April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Friends are like panties.... Some crawl up your butt.. Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some support you......Some are your favorite... Some are holy....
Some are cheap and just get bent out of shape... And some actually DO cover your butt when you need them to

[sooty]

I can't find any new ones so will use an old one which is still funny even if you have heard it before.

Jason goes to have dinner with his date's parents for the first time but due to the type of food gets an attack of wind. Unable to hold it in any longer he has to let a little fart out and the father says "Rover!". Jason thinks "Phew, he thinks that it was the dog" (Who was sitting at his feet). The meal progresses a little and Jason has to let another one go but this one was a bit louder and stronger smelling, again the father says "Rover!" and the meal continues.

Jason thinks "Wow, I got away with that one too. I hope this doesn't go on much longer." However the gas is getting worse and this time Jason lets go a ripper at which point the father bellows "Rover! Get out from under the table now before he shits all over you!"

Here are some photos that hopefully you will also enjoy, a couple may be pro pics so sorry if they get pulled

[gylbert]

The campaign for the Premiership of Alberta is off to a *ahem* rolling start!

[osreb]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

************************************************** *************

The couple ahead of me at the swanky hotel desk, were asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

[osreb]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:
'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied:
'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[Erador]

Originally Posted by osreb

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:
'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied:
'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

That is great, just great!

[osreb]

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

__________________________________________________ ___

I Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

[Anony]

Below is a penguin joke that's been around forever and to me is a true classic, hope you enjoy!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++

***** WATERMARKED PICS REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[Dogseye]

Originally Posted by osreb

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Another rodeo.

A kid goes into the bedroom just as his dad is banging his mother.
"Oh boy day, you're playing cowboys. Can I join in?"
The old man thinks the kid is harmless enough to he lets the kid in. Just as the old woman starts having her orgasm the kid says,
"Hold on tight dad, this is the bit where me and Uncle Bob get bucked off."