April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A little old guy was walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco! Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere.'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your wife's name is Crisco?' he asks.

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call her at home?'

“Lard ass.”

(You gotta love old people!)

[sooty]

A young female schoolteacher was sent to teach 8 year olds at what was recognised as the toughest school in a very rough area. The first day in class she said I want you to give me a word for each letter of the alphabet and describe the meaning to the class.

We'll start with the letter A

"Arsehole" yelled out Billy
No Billy, that is terrible we cant use that word, we will move on to the letter B

"Bastard" yells Freddy
No Freddy, that is awful we cant use that one either. She thinks "I am not even going to go near C so she asks them for a word beginning with D

"Dwarf" yells out Johnny.
Very good Johnny, I am impressed. And now can you tell the class what a dwarf is
"Yeah Miss, he's a little c*nt no bigger than I am.

Here are some photos with a little more class, sorry if any are pro pics

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....



MOL ASSES !

[onlyheubsch]

Keep up the good work !!
comedy central.

[osreb]

wife: I saw my Gynocologist today. He told me that I cannot have sex for 2 weeks.

hubby: What did your Dentist say?

[osreb]

pic 1: Not sure what brand it is, but this is great!!


--
"Life's tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne

[sooty]

"I had a thorough checkup yesterday"

"So how did it go"

"Everything was going well until he stuck his finger up my bum"

"Well that's not altogether surprising, some doctors are very thorough"

"Doctors yes but I didn't expect it at the dentist!"



Here is a wide mix of photos, hope you enjoy some of them

[osreb]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

[sooty]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This morning on the golf course I used the F word"
"Tell me my son what were the circumstances that provoked you to such an extent?"
"Father, I drove my tee shot three hundred metres, but the wind caught it and it landed in the rough."
"I am a golfer myself so I appreciate your disappointment and using the F word"
"No, it was okay father, I didn't use it then. I hit a beautiful shot out of the rough. But it nipped the edge of the sand trap and rolled back into it."
"Now I can really understand you using that word."
No that was okay, too, Father. I pulled out my wedge and hit the perfect shot onto the green. The ball hit the pin and landed ten centimetres from the hole."
Is that when you used the F word?"
"No, Father."
"Jesus, don't tell me that you missed the fucking putt??"

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking
Around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff,I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her . . . So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.....So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....So I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun . . . Blond Men do exist!


First time I have ever seen a Blond Man Joke !