April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
for example...

A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”

[osreb]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET SELLER ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"



THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET GUY. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.



THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Murphy's wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!


'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain't got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'


Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during 'ception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A dog named Dick

[osreb]

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2011

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

[Erador]

Originally Posted by osreb

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2011

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

I'll laugh at that for a week.

[sooty]

1. A man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love, I want to open a fucking checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb b*tch, I said I want to open a fucking checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that." She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return and the manager asks, stiffly,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a fucking checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies,

"and this c*nt's giving you a hard time, is she?"

2. True Story

My brother who is 76 has had a friend from his schooldays who has been a real ladies man and had the equipment that average men could only envy. He has been so popular with the ladies that they were always chasing him including some over 30 years younger than him. A few years ago he was being chased by a lady but they couldn't sort out the logistics because of their spouses being home and neither would pay for a motel. Eventually an opportunity arose where he had the keys to his daughters house as he cut the lawns for her and she was away for a few days and his son-in-law would be at work.

They went to the house and fulfilled their carnal desires with great gusto. They were just walking out the driveway when a car pulled in and out got the son-in-law with another woman (not our friends daughter). There was strong eye contact made but total silence as both guys knew that they were snookered and neither could say a word to the other because both were doing exactly the same thing. Apparently they have never discussed it since.

Here are some of my favourite photos

[osreb]

This solves all my problems J


I NEVER KNEW THIS!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
YOU NEED TO READ THIS. DON'T DELETE IT BEFORE READING!
I HAVE JUST RECEIVED THIS WARNING!


Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,


"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."


No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,


"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone

I'll be in the shower!

[osreb]

OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And.....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.



THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!

[osreb]

Sex Study...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.