April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[osreb]

"Last Nickel"
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of
the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes
hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then very firmly. After a few seconds
the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to
the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar
without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[osreb]

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic Slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."


So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY


That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,

And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!

[osreb]

one day at the office:

Blonde: (In a horse voice) "Good morning Sherry"

Brunette: " Gee, You sound terrible today"

Blonde: " I woke up with a sore thoat; but I have no sick days left"

Brunette: " I have a great cure; whenever I get a sore thoat I give my husband a blow job. I wake up the next morning feeling fine."

Blonde: "Are you sure."

Brunette: "Works every time for me"

Blonde: "OK, i 'll try it."

Next Day

Blonde: (In a normal voice and smiling) "I took your advice and it really Worked. I feel great today."

Brunette: "I told you."

Blonde: "Well, thanks again for the tip; your husband could not believe it was your idea."

[osreb]

Bathroom graffiti

Bathroom graffiti # 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.


Bathroom graffiti # 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper


Bathroom graffiti # 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted


Bathroom graffiti # 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!


Bathroom graffiti # 5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.


Bathroom graffiti # 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

[osreb]

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who
talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling
the young officer that she had to get there before
she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

[J6925]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowgirl coming toward him with nothing on but her cowboy hat, her gun and her boots. He arrests her for indecent exposure.

As he is locking her up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowgirl says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this gorgeous hunk of a man asks me to go out to his motor home with him... so I did.

We go inside and he pulls off his top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then he pulls off his pants and asks me to pull off my skirt.... so I did.

Then he pulls off his shorts and asks me to pull off my panties...so I did.

Then he gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowgirl."

"And here I am."



What do a OBGYN and a pizza delivery man have in common?

Both can smell it, they just can't eat it!!

[osreb]

Happy forth of July...

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'


You could have heard a pin drop..

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.


Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

[osreb]

For those of you who missed church today, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of semen.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in male semen - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service

[osreb]

What's the most embarrassing thing for a cheerleader?
When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!
**********************************************

Insert your rival school's name in the blank:
Q: What do you get when you put 32 ______ cherrleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a _____ cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push, real hard.

Q: Why does _____ have artificial turf?
A: To keep their cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: Why do they no londer serve ice at _____ home football games?
A: The cheerleader who knew the recipe graduated.
**************************************************

Cheerleaders Trapped in University of Texas Elevator: Let the Dirty Jokes Begin
Posted on August 6, 2008


It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, a porn movie, or just what to expect when the University of Texas hosts its summer cheer camp. According to the Telegraph, the students, all between the ages of 14 and 17, decided to all squeeze into the Jester Residential Hall elevator for a ride. When the elevator got to the first floor, the doors got stuck, stranding the cheerleaders for over half an hour. Don’t worry, they’re fine, although one girl fainted and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. Apparently they thought it would be wacky to ignore posted signs limiting elevator capacity to 15 people…or 3,000 pounds. Uh-oh, girls, that’ll teach you not to think skipping breakfast can get you down to 2,999.
************************************************** ************************************

And my favorite cheer:

Pork Chop, Pork Chop,

Greasy, Greasy,

We're gonna beat you,

Easy, Easy