April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[sooty]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Hill were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello My name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty Hill. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone..
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob Hill and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace... He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ....

The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

You probably now need some good nudes to compensate for that joke so here are some that I found on Tumblr. Have uploaded 5 photos but one or more may be pro Pics and get deleted but I cant tell.

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Proof That The World Is Nuts...........

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
Them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
Adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?...Well, not as great as Guam !)

[sooty]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
To the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
Business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
"Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in
The little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
His hands as far as they would go and announced;
"I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
And told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull,
The large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager begin to emit a
Beep, beep,beep.
The little boy yells out,
"Run for your life, she's backing up!!


Photos are from Tumblr

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

Finders Keepers

[osreb]

Hell, yeah, I'm gonna sniff it, it's what I do !!!

[osreb]

Overheard this on Feb 2....

Joe: Happy Sausage Day, Fred.

Fred: What?!

Joe: Yep, that’s how I like my Ground Hog.

[sooty]

You've all probably all had this story forwarded to you in the past few years
"Royal Navy sailing ships needed to store iron cannonballs near the cannons so they would be ready for instant use, but in a manner that would not let them roll around the gun deck. The answer was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid near the cannon so that four levels would provide a stack of 30 balls. The problem was to prevent the bottom level (16 balls) from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. They devised a small brass plate referred to as a "brass monkey", with an indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. As temperature falls, brass contracts faster than iron and when it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs. If the temperature became cold enough, the bottom layer of cannonballs would pop out of the indentations, spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

Checking on the website for the Townsville Maritime Museum (Australia) tells a different story. Here is a snapshot of their observations.
Why?
Sailing ships were completely at the mercy of the wind, so coming into battle often took hours and even days. In fact, the guns were kept loaded at at all times and surplus shot was stored in the hold as ballast.
In fact, they did keep surplus shot near the guns while in action, but they were either kept in indentations in the wooden hatch coamings or in wooden troughs along the bulkheads between the gun ports.

When not in use, the guns themselves were lashed to the bulkheads to prevent them from causing damage by running around the deck (hence the term "loose cannon") so the thought of 2220 iron balls (30 for all 74 cannons) being free to roll where gravity took them beggars belief and invites derision.

The case against this story being true seems incontrovertible, but there is a simpler way to check it. Consult any of the plethora of books and almanacs on naval matters published to commemorate the 200th anniversary of Trafalgar (October 21). In none of them will you find any reference to a "brass monkey". QED

After all of that if your balls are still there and working then hopefully you will enjoy these photos that I found on Tumblr and other sites. Sorry for any reposts or Pro Pics.

[sooty]

1/ Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

"It wont go down!" Scott replied.

2/
Doctor - I have good news and bad news.
Patient - Ok, give me the bad news first.
Doctor - Well, I'm afraid that you only have 7 days left to live
Patient - bursts out crying "That's terrible, what could possibly be good news after that??"
Doctor - I have just got a hot date for tomorrow night with that blonde nurse over there.

The girls in the photos seem to enjoy a bit of fun

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him
and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had s ex.

"Tarzan not know s ex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what s ex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot
hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, and
lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to
her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[osreb]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'