April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[sooty]

Sorry if previous story gets posted as somehow hit the wrong button before finishing.

Apparently this actually happened on live talkback radio in regional Australia. The station was running a contest with a prize of a holiday to Hamilton Island for 2 people. Couples had to answer questions about their sex life separately so that they could not hear each other's answers and the first couple to get their answers to match correctly would win the prize. Apparently the conversation went along these lines

Radio Host - When did you last have sex?
Him - This morning

RH - At what time?
Him - about 8am

a few other questions

RH - and where did you have it?
Him - In the laundry

Then the host started talking to the female partner while the male listened. Her answers all matched his answers quite closely and finally the host said "And now to win the trip to Hamilton Island tell us - Where did you have it?"

Her - Oh no!!! He didn't tell you THAT did he?

RH - Yes he did, where did you have it?
Her - Oh alright then. In the arse

(They should have used the 6 second delay facility!!)

Photos are from TumblR - no idea who they are - sorry if reposts

***** PRO PICS REMOVED *****

[sooty]

Some years ago on live talkback radio in Melbourne, Australia local football star Doug Hawkins had young kids ring in to tell their jokes. One boy (Surely it was "Little Johnny") rang in and said to Doug

Johnny - Mr Hawkins what is the last thing that they give the Tickle Me Elmo doll before he leaves the factory?

Doug - I dont know Johnny, what is the last thing that they give him?

Johnny - His test tickles

Apparently it took Doug quite a while to regain his composure!

Photos are from TumblR

[osreb]

So he asked me what I wanted, and I told him, "A long, strong, stiff one.
" You should have seen his face when I said, "I meant a drink!"

***** FAKE PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

MAYBE HE DESERVES 100% FOR HIS CREATIVITY
Q1. In which battle did Admiral Nelson die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[osreb]

A elderly man was leaving a meeting at the church, and looking for his keys.
They were not in his pockets, and a quick search of the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly he realized he must have left them in the car.
Frantically, he headed for the parking lot.
His wife, had scolded him many times in the past for leaving the keys in the ignition.
His theory was that the ignition was the best place NOT to lose them. Her theory was that the car could be stolen.
As he ran from the doors of the church, he came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
He immediately called the police, giving them the location and the make & model of the vehicle, and confessed that he had left the keys in the car.
Then he made the most difficult call of all. "Honey, I left the keys in the car, and it has been stolen.
There was a period of silence, and then he heard her voice, "I dropped you off this morning", she barked. Then it was his time to be silent. Embarrassed he said, "Well come and get me."
To which she replied, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

************************************************** *********************************

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,

and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,

In order to return to the restaurant to Retrieve her glasses.


All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, The more agitated he became.


He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the Car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,

the old geezer yelled to her,

" While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

[osreb]

'I haven't left my house in days. I watch the newschannels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis.

Election, erection, election, erection �

Either way we're screwed!' -- Bette Midler.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A new word is born


I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.


Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the candidates for election.

[sooty]

Dear Dr Phil,
> I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my
> bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just
> standing there, arms folded...watching me.
> Is she a pervert?



Photos are from TumblR

1 - Nice pussy you've got there
3 - Hope it's not a Pro Pic, I think all men can relate to what the dog is thinking!

[sooty]

People (mostly men) with Asperger's Syndrome have a habit of taking things literally or exactly as something is said rather than in general context.

Anyway a man with AS had always wanted to have anal sex with his wife. Eventually one night when they went to bed she was feeling rather adventurous and said "Honey, if you turn out the bedside light you can stick it up my arse" to which he replied "Do you want me to wait for the globe to cool down a bit first?"

He is due to be released from hospital on Wednesday.

Photos are from Tumblr - there are some lucky dogs around

[osreb]

1. You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
2. You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
3. You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the wedding and the reception.
4. You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
5. You buy Christmas presents at ' Farm & Fleet ' or ' Tractor Supply ' .
6. You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding.
7. You have ever tried to get your city cousins to pee on the electric fence.
8. You or someone you know was a "Beef/Pork Queen" at the county fair.
9. You know that "combine" is a noun.
10. You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
11. You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
12. You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick".
13. Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
14. A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
15. There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... phew.
16. You have driven your car on a lake.
17. You can make sense of "upnort" and "batree".
18. At every wedding reception you have ever been to, the hokey pokey and the chicken dance have been played.
19. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
20. The local gas station sells live bait
21. At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
22. You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday..
23. Pop is the only name for soda.
24. You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your friends.



__._,_.___

[osreb]

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

( Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of??? Did the government pay for this research??)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)



And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And you thought you had bad Breath in the morning!)