April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A man in rural Montana wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up
North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the

roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog ."

[osreb]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... And then there are educators.

***** WATERMARKED PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

The deer hunter said to the dentist,
"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go deer hunting,
so forget about the anesthetic.
I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself,
"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.”


______________________________________

[osreb]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to
me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...
........women like that are hard to find."

[osreb]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.



When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.



When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”



“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

[osreb]

It was a hot day in Minnesota .

Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception.. It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

[endoftheline]

Thanks for so many hot pictures!

Are there any more pictures of this hot lady? She's smokin'!
https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...8&d=1325902185

[osreb]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin� hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin� sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin� clock!"

[osreb]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[osreb]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm
pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has
anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."