April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN.

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

[osreb]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[osreb]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage...

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works
just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to
the mechanic...........


"Try doing it with the engine running

[osreb]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

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"My Rolex!"

[osreb]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

[osreb]

"This may be us someday, or maybe we are already there!"
Best speeding excuse ever!

When asked by a young patrol officer
"Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:
"Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me.

[osreb]

This is an actual men's barbershop in Poland.
Owned by women.
And they say women are not smarter than men?

Be honest:

If this barbershop was in your community
How many haircuts would you get a month?

[osreb]

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Mankato, MN decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[osreb]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation
and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants
and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,
but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river,
when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the lady,’ Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down
you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown...

[osreb]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68.......