April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

[osreb]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect by comedians.

Here are some examples:

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[osreb]

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR LIPSTICK!

Why would you even ask me that?

I am so insulted! Every time something goes missing
Around here, everybody looks at me!

pic didn't load, click on pic link at bottom of post for the punch line pic


Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.
HAVE A GREAT DAY

[osreb]

check this out on youtube:

youtube.com/watch?v=n32YYJW9y64

[osreb]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________


A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late."
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[osreb]

Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist ________________________________

[osreb]

Early 20th century brothel prices - pic 1

[osreb]

Indianapolis - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Mudbug]

Osreb, in all honesty, you should have posted a "Groaner"
alert for that joke.

[osreb]

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.


He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K."


She asks....."What does that mean?"


He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."


She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... what about I, J, and K?"


He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.