April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

The guy was lamenting to the bartender that he went to a brothel, paid his money and when the
girl came in the room, It was his wife!!!

"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "it's actually
really romantic."

"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care
of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the
Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another
girl."

[osreb]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's aftermidnight.
While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100 the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbytiptoe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

[osreb]

'My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a wh*r*house or a politician.
And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.'

Harry Truman, President USA

There is a difference in a wh*r*house you have a better chance finding an honest person.

[osreb]

One day in Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names,
about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation.
She gave examples like Baker, Which meant they where a baker for a living,
Miller meant that person Worked in a paper mill, and so on.

Then little Johnnie raised his hand
and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"

He said " Not really, more of a question."

"Well whats your question?" the teacher asked.

"Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?"

[osreb]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes, ma'am,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.

[osreb]

Come back lines:

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

[osreb]

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

*******

1. For your information, please. (FYI)

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

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2. Noted and returned.

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

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3. Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

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4. Action please.

Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

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5. For your necessary action.

Meaning: It's your headache now.

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6. Copy to.

Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

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7. For your approval, please.

Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

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8. Action is being taken.

Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

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9. Your letter is receiving our attention.

Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

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10. Please discuss.

Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

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11. For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

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12. Please reply soon.

Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

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13. We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

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14. Regards.

Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

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[osreb]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!


SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replied, 'Your eyesight's good.

[osreb]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

[osreb]

Phone answer machine messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling..... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back .