April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather.

Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

[thighman812]

Not sure where i got this.. but it feels so true

[osreb]

Be careful about ........
buying anything on E-Bay

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sun.

[osreb]

Wal-Mart Cake


Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer:'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee:'Lemme ax what you want on da cake?'
Customer:'Best Wishes Suzanne'and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

***** PRO PICS REMOVED *****

[osreb]

1-FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.

2-NOTHING: Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.

3-GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.

4-WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying SCREW YOU.

5-THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.


Note: In all cases, she will file this into her memory with the precise details to be recalled years after you have long forgotten the event.

[osreb]

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you
pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake
your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if
needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the kids.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to
the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch
for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!

[osreb]

It's a sad state of affairs that Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little dust-up and misunderstanding just because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise.

Maria said, "Screw her."

Any semi-literate, English-challenged Austrian body builder could have made the same mistake, right?

[osreb]

A Catholic Man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery..

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.


"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[osreb]

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

__._,_.___

[osreb]

A South Carolina hill country, self-employed farmer,
was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.

A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.

"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.
"Never, sir," answered the neighbor

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked.
"No, sir," said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Well. ahem ... ah .. .
um..er ...

Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"