April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[chuckie497]

Reb-

Thanks for the great jokes and hot ladies. I try to hit this thread daily...

[osreb]

Now That is a Good Neighbor......

[osreb]

While earning my master's degree, I worked as an assistant in physiology lab. One class experiment involved monitoring a student's heart rate, breathing and blood flow as the subject exercised or performed other tasks. Student were asked to come up with ways to excite the subject such as pouring ice down his back. Suddenly, a female student sat down on his lap and gave him a long passionate kiss. When the measurements finally returned to normal, the young man turned to the woman and said, "Let's do that again, and take an average."
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There was a man who showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard. "What happened to you?" a co-worker asked.

"I was up nearly all night," the man said. "My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became quite historical."

"Don't you mean hysterical?" the co-worker replied.

"No, historical," the man said. "She went over absolutely everything I've done wrong over the last twenty-five years."

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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

[liberty]

Okay, this was sent to me by a friend and I felt the need to share it with you all.

I know this fits here but ever so remotely...so if it must be deleted that is just fine.

If so, maybe you can leave it up for 48 hours or something because I am sure many people will find this amusing.

Here are the words that go with the picture:


That time of year is here again.

The IRS has announced that they will give a free pencil sharpener to all taxpayers who pay their taxes on time next year.

It can be placed on your desk as a constant reminder of the service they provide to you each year.

[osreb]

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

And ... drum roll ... The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ....

1st - Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[osreb]

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

8. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yakking.

[osreb]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.


'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

[osreb]

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all
you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,
"how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

[osreb]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!



Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

[osreb]

When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone.
So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
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When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection:
First the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something upon which I insist.
Second I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."
Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong.
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit wh*r*."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

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One day in school, the teacher wrote on the blackboard, "I ain't had no fun at all last week." She turned to her class and said, "Now, what should I do to correct that?"

A shy student stood up and replied meekly, "Maybe you should get a boyfriend."


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