April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this Fall... back in 1850?


California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this Fall... back in 1850?


California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

That rack is, in a word, fantastic.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Although not covered by health insurance, everyone who
has tried this remedy had only good reaction to the results!
If you suffer from Migraines- try it. ( pic )

I had a bastard of a headache.
I tried this and in 2 minutes Bam, it was gone!



Some other guys might need longer therapy.

[osreb]

UPS Airlines
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[osreb]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there's at least thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10,
and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"

"You gotta pay first, says the bartender, those are the rules."

So,after thinking it over a while, he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay,"says the bartender,
"here's what you need to do:


First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second -There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third -There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!
"I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do
all those other things!"

"Your call,"says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

The man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks --but he doesn't make a face --
and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next,he staggers out the back door
where the pit bull is chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a
terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!


Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He then drunkenly says,

Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[osreb]

Clearance Sale

[osreb]

well; I guess that made the shark happy!

[osreb]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home..

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[osreb]

Subject: Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured
that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I
knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even
slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again
flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without
a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid!

[osreb]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.