April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched
throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule
to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of
the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old
man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did
dance—and just never wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
“Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started
shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in
order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was
soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back
into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both
hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried
clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very
slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The
crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old
timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it
hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”

The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No, but I’ve always wanted to.”


There are two lessons for us all here:


1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people.

[osreb]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

[osreb]

Calories burned during sex

Activity group: Motivational context
Afire with passion 85
Because there’s nothing on TV 37
Out of guilt 55
Out of curiosity 73
Like it was some major emergency 911
To gather information 411

Activity group: Foreplay
Tickling 17
Licking 24
Nibbling 28
Noshing 33
Sucking 38
Pleading 19

Using vibrator
personal size 22
Using vibrator
industrial size 114

Horseplay
with saddle 94
Wrist wrestling to see who gets to be on top 77
Nagging her/him into doing it 21

Activity group: Insertion
Both partners fully aroused 11
Female not fully aroused 46
Male not fully aroused 108

Activity group: Positions
Missionary: Man 70 Woman . 32

Woman above:Woman 75 man 23
“Canine” variation: man 35 woman 15
“Wheelbarrow” variation; man 60 woman 78
“Weightlifter” variation: man 100 woamn 45 spotter 15
“Caribbean Pirate” variation: man 47 woman 33 parrot 5

Activity group: Types of bed
Queen size bed 26
King size bed 29
Exxon CEO size bed 58
Vibrating bed 34
Bunk bed 37
Waterbed 44
Flower bed 51
Oyster bed 73
Futon 18
Hammock 155
Hospital bed 98.6

Activity group: Outside the bedroom
In the garage V6
In the rec room 52
In the gym 141
In the John 3:16

Activity group: Non-bed surfaces
Floor 11
Couch 17
Piano bench 29
Piano 4/4
Kitchen table 16
Coffee table 24
Conference table 30
End table 37
Pool table 15, side pocket
Operating table IV
Cocktail lounge table 13
Cocktail lounge booth 19
Cocktail lounge bar stool 41
Cocktail lounge bar 7&7
Monkey bars 85
Teeter totter 63
Waterslide 47
Diving board 52
Ironing board 39
Dartboard 1-20
Surfboard 9 by 9
Sideboard 11
Cheese board 17
All aboard 66
Board room 1

Activity group: Geographical
New York City 100
Los Angeles 76°
Seattle 2.0
Las Vegas 6-1
Beverly Hills 90210
Miami 65+
Buenos Aires
New Orleans Category 3
Rome XXXVII
In a convenience store 7-11
At Cal Tech 101101
Activity group: Linkin’ for Lincoln
In Lincoln, Nebraska 8
In a Lincoln Town Car 41
In the Lincoln Bedroom 20
On the Lincoln Memorial 54

Activity group: Transportation
In an airliner restroom 102
In an airliner seat (coach) 123
In an airliner seat (first class) 83
In the cockpit (Get it?)
Repeatedly, throughout an airliner 707
Repeatedly, throughout a BIG airliner 747
In orbit 0.00014
During liftoff 54321
On a yacht 19
On a sailboat 27
In a canoe 39
Swimming back to shore 54

Activity group: Selected sexual aids or accessories
Dildo, manual 13
Dildo, electric 7
Dildo, acoustical 11
Spatula 3
Bicycle pump 10
Pogo stick 28
Handcuffs 29
T****ze 31
Unicycle 17
Trampoline 42
Catapult 16
Catamaran 13
Cat o’ nine tails 9

Activity group: Using lubricants
Vaseline 7
Oil of Olay 11
Baby oil 2-1/2
Olive oil 14
PAM 0
3-in-1
the oil, not the menage 16
Butter plus 31
Chicken gravy plus 46
Hot fudge plus 144

Activity group: Apparel during sex
Naked 3
Shoes and socks only 6
Pajamas and nightgown 14
Fully dressed, standard office attire 24
Fully dressed, casual Friday 19
Tuxedo and wedding gown 30
Leather ensemble 38
Leather restraints 44
Nurse uniform 21
Police uniform 10-4

Activity group: Timing factor
Before a big meal 74
After a big meal 29
After watching Paris Hilton video 62
After watching Adam Sandler movie 3

Activity group: Musical accompaniment
Old Man River 11
Minute Waltz 3
Disco 66
Flight of the Bumblebee 1,846
Beach Boys Greatest Hits 409
Stones’ Sympathy for the Devil 666
Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper 64
Motown (Beechwood) 45789
Sinatra standards 33 1/3

Activity group: Use of recreational drugs
Amphetamines 24-7
Barbiturates 4
Opiates 0
Hallucinogens oooo0000000oooo

Activity group: Supplementary activities during sex
Slithering 26
Sliding 27
Spinning 18
Crawling on your belly like a reptile 32
Bouncing on the bed 17
Bouncing off the walls 51
Headstands 16
Pushups 48
Deep knee bends 54
Cartwheels/somersaults 58
Dodging bullwhip 40
Dodging bull 47
Dodging bullets 52
Sweating bullets 13
Chewing gum 3
Playing GameBoy 2
Playing Possum 0

Activity group: Vocalizations during sex
Chanting 3
Humming 2
Humming during oral sex 6
Moaning 4
Wheezing 7
Singing his/her praises 10
Talking dirty 5
Talking dirty
in Pig Latin ix-say
Barking like a seal 8
Caterwauling 10
Yodeling 5
Howling at moon 13

Activity group: Bringing partner fully to orgasm
based on size of genitalia
Man, Small 88
Man, Average 56
Man, Large 38
Man, Appalling 7
Women, Small 19
Woman, Average 36
Woman, Large 49
Woman, Appalling 107

Activity group: Orgasm type
Clitoral 52
Vaginal 57
Oral 48
Aural 17
Visual 20-20
Anal 43
Anal Retentive 8
Scrotal 2
Umbilical 4
Fiscal $20
Genuine 67
Feigned 134

Activity group: Post-coital activity
Sleep 7
REM sleep 9
Coma 2
Smoking 8
Dancing a jig 41
Doing Tarzan yells 20
Shouting from the rooftops
includes climbing 3 flights of stairs 83
Beating your chest 17
Carving notch in headboard 23
Carving notch in self 28
Silently tiptoeing out of room
the minute partner dozes off 26
Leaping out of window
at sound of approaching husband 30
Vomiting 28

Activity group: Added “emotional” calories
from sex that leaves you feeling …
Dirty 13
Relieved 9
Frustrated 14
Indignant 10
Delighted 6
Disgusted 11
Disturbed 9
Disoriented 20
Disrespected 13
Disfigured 19
Baffled 6
Humbled 8
Remorseful 5
Guilty 12
Triumphant 9
Shaken 6
Shaken, not stirred 007

Activity group: Premature ejaculation, for male
Achieving orgasm 9
Apologizing 7
Rationalizing 9
Sniveling 12
Cursing 16
Weeping 22
Dressing as rapidly as possible 30
Begging for forgiveness 20
Begging for secrecy 30
Begging for time to catch your breath 11
Begging for another chance 51
Begging for bus fare home 34
Activity group: Premature ejaculation, for female
Achieving orgasm 0
Grinding teeth 15
Repressing rage 14
Expressing rage 21
Expressing rage
with thrown object 27
Smacking partner
with pillow 22
Smacking partner
with shoe 14
Smacking partner
with folding chair 20
Packing up clothing
and leaving for good this time, damn it 45

Activity group: Sex on special holidays
New Year’s Eve 129
New Year’s Morning 12
Saint Patrick’s Day 21
Saint Valentine’s Day 130
Halloween
not in costume 37
Halloween
in costume 68
Halloween
dressed as ghost 800!
During July 4 fireworks display 1776

Activity group: Alternatives to intercourse - oral sex
Oral sex, male, giving 68
Oral sex, male, receiving 43
Oral sex, female, receiving 35
Oral sex, female, giving 19 calories gained
Oral sex, both, simultaneous 69
Oral sex before oral finals 119
Oral sex after oral finals 5
Oral Roberts University sex 0

Activity group: Alternatives to intercourse - masturbation
One hand 35
Both hands 60
Both hands, both feet 105
Wearing surgical gloves 124
Wearing boxing gloves 156
Circle jerk 3.141592…

Activity group: Avoiding sex altogether
In a 2-man prison cell 138
In a 40-man holding cell 854
In a 40-man holding cell
on Saturday night 2,161
In a strict Islamist terrorist cell 0

[osreb]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."

"Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.

"Your name came up seven times..."

[J6925]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want".


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

[osreb]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

[osreb]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence in English using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar..'

Mujibar now works at a tech support call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[osreb]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

*****

[J6925]

A woman is in labor screaming profanities @ her husband. He says "Hey don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but NOOOOOOOO THAT might hurt!"

[osreb]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'Onpage 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jackbefore cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.


********

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.



********

Tech Support: 'I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a popup menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.



********

There'salways one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a longtime.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is atrue story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from arecording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say theHelp Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing theWord Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared. '

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a seaprompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were twocables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !