April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

Larry The Cableguy's proverbs....................


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[osreb]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which
part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you
think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'.
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

[osreb]

"Orange Penis"

Someone goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks Somebody to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if Someone's organ
Isn't bright orange. Doc tells Somebody, "This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks Someone, "How are things going at work?"

Somebody responds that he was fired about six weeks ago for not reviling where he was from. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Someone responds, "No. The boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week which gave me no time to participate in my on line group and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and my new boss ,named Kevin is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks Somebody , "How's your home life?" Someone says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of Somebody's stress.

But Someone says, "No. For years, all I listened to was "nag, nag, nag." Gosh, am I glad to be rid of that old b*tch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

Somebody replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at
Home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~

[osreb]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing ..
I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[osreb]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, `Male or Female?` Customer says, `Female.` Counter guy asks, `Black or White? Customer says, `White.` Counter guy asks, `Christian or Muslim?` Customer says, `What the hell does religion have to do with it?` Counter guy says, `The Muslim one blows itself up.

[osreb]

How can you be that extra sure while making Love?

Simple....
Wear 2 condoms with red chilly powder in between them...
if the inner one bursts the male will knowif the outer one bursts the gal will know !-)



..................................................



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe ittry to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!

***** ONE CLICK VICKY PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

[Fango]

I love that series with the two girls outside. They're so playful.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed
his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy
to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before
our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket
and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each
other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied.

He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment,
deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping
your wrists straight when you swing."

[J6925]

A Blonde sends me a text asking "What does IDK stand for?" I reply "I Don't Know." She repiles "OMG no-one does!!"