April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A teenage boy ask the new girl in town for a date girl Friday night for dinner and a movie.

The girl acccepts and tells him that if he brought some protection she would give him a little piece of heaven
after the movie.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s e x before, but he knows what she means and takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the bpy.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many con doms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door..

'Oh, I'm so excited, but my parents insist on meeting my date, come on in!' they are in the den playing Monopoly.

The boy goes inside & is taken to the den. The boy quickly offers to join the game, stating Monopoly is his favorite game and ask if he can play? he then sits downs and plays Monopoly with the girl's parents. After the game he stands up and and says it is time for him to go home.
The girlfriend leans over and tells him she will walk him to his car.
Once outside she angerly yells at him; " You told me you would take me to a dinner and a movie! I didn't want to stay home on a Friday night and play Monopoly with my parents. Why didn't you tell me you liked to play Monopoly?"

The boy turns and yells back; "Well you didn't tell me your father was a pharmacist!"

[osreb]

LAWYER STORY

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t y ou like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?”

The layer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
************************************************** ********************************

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.



Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[osreb]

My family doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday.

She's really beautiful and unbelievably sexy.


She told me that I have to stop masturbating.



When I asked her why, she said


"because I'm trying to examine you"

[osreb]

quotes


A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!



Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!




"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!




There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!




"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?



"Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)


"Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!



God made relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends.



My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!



When two's company, three's the result!

[osreb]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,"No" he replies.

"I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes,there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[osreb]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

[osreb]

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[osreb]

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills

[osreb]

A mother is driving a little boy to his friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little boy asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little boy says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal
questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little boy asks, 'Why did you and Daddy
get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young man, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin
to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the
little boy says to his friend..

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is
look at her driver's license. It is like a report card,
it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little boy says to his mother, 'I
know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find
that out?
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little boy says triumphantly, 'I know
why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex

[osreb]

lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times.