April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

My April theme is jokes and pics. I post marrigae jokes on the great bride thread and drink jokes on the uner the influence thread, So I am dedicating April to post my jokes and clean out my stored pics including EIEIO leftovers.

I know you guys have jokes and pics, so lets get this thread going. The pics don't have to match the joke
but to start it off I have blonde pics with blonde jokes.


THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
************************************************** *************************************


A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop for speeding.

Cop; "Mam, can I see your drivers license, please."

Driver: Rumages through her purse; " I can't find it."

Cop: "Well do you have any form of a photo ID."

Driver: Again digs in her purse, pulls out a compact, flips it open, looks at herself in the morror, hand it to the cop and says: "Here, this as my picture on it."

Cop: Takes the compact and looks at the mirror and hands it back to the blonde driver.
He then says: "I am so sorry Mam, if I had known you were a cop I would have never pulled you over."

[osreb]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this
one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of
the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skysc****rs. The other is
getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman. They are both
thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

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> Don't look down

[annacondom]

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...could'nt resist

[osreb]

On a desert island.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up:
A pharmacy,
A liquor store,
A restaurant,
A laundry,
And have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply future employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about:
Her body;
The true nature of feminism;
How she can do everything they can do;
The necessity of fulfillment;
The equal division of household chores;
How sand and palm trees make her look fat;
How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
How her relationship with her mother is improving and
How at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But, they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

__._,_.___

[osreb]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.....

[vault_dweller]

Post #4 was great, I laughed for quite a while .

thnx osreb

oh and the pics are great too

[osreb]

The commanding officer of a Marine regiment was about to start the morning
briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for
the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a
question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky
the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He
posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it
was pleasure?'

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young
private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir,
"if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

The commanding officer, etc.

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1238849170

Wow, you know I love group flashing pics, but when it's a group of 30-something women on a city street, in the middle of the day, then it's something really special.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Pick Up Lines...

Lets play Titanic,
When I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper,
Because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone,
Because I'll make your
Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels,
Would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet?
Then why are you wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket
Because I can easily see myself in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number,
Can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body,
Would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the
First thing that pops up.

I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer.
Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach?
"NO."
Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids.
How about me and you play gynaecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye,
I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me,
Do you give head to strangers?
Well then,
Allow me to Introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs.
Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Do you have some Irish in you?
Would you like a piece
Of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you,
I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Kelli.
Don't forget it because you'll
Be screaming it later on tonight.

I'm new in town,
Could you give the directions to your apartment?

I love every bone in your body.
Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the
Only thing you're wearing.

All those curves,
And me with no brakes.

[osreb]

Cyber sex.

As I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, I decided of try to figure out what it meant.
I figured it had something to do with the computer.
So, I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel...

Then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman.

I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock.

She kind scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her.

Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone.

She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock.

He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive.

I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed.

He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him.
"You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't
Trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck.

I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.

He mumbled something about that explaining it.
"She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away.

Wonder why he only noticed one?

Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it.

Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.