my favs

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Three friends are talking in a bar about how much they take their wives for granted. They agree to go home and give their wives a gift matching whatever they are watching on the television at the time.
The following day they meet up again,
"How did you get on?" said the first man to the second,
"She was so pleased! I got home and she was watching Holiday in the Sun so I bought her a 5 star holiday in Spain. What about you?" he replied,
"Mine was also pleased, she was watching Diamonds Are Forever so I went and bought her a pair of diamond earrings. What about you?" he said to the third man, "was your wife pleased?",
"Yes but not as much as me" he said, "she was watching Goodfellas",
"You tight bastard!" chuckled the first man "What did you do? Get her a pizza?"
"No, I had her shot".

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A blind man was travelling by plane to Texas. On board he felt the plush seats and remarked how big they were. The passenger next to him said: "Everything's big in Texas"

When the plane landed, he went straight to his hotel bar in Dallas and ordered a beer. The bartender served it in a mug. He felt the mug and commented on it's size. The bartender remarked: "Everything's big in Texas, buddy."

After three beers he needed the toilet, so he asked the bartender for directions. Confused he accidentally went to swimming pool instead and fell in.

As he flapped around terrified in the water, he screamed: "For God's sake Don't flush, Don't flush!"

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have a great weekend

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If you live in LA, good luck, but take your spanking like a man

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If you watch wrestling, enjoy the return of john Cena

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today , representatives opened Government back up after a visit from the wives and girl friends of active military, reservists, and veterans. It was the fastest vote in congressional history

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There were a few hold outs, but a quick photo opportunity changed their reluctance

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enough about politics, on with the pictures

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

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'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!''
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt & long legs who agrees with everything I say'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Men are brilliant until they think about a woman