April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.


If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'



Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[osreb]

Annie was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Annie's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth,
Annie told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
" Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.">>
The policeman fainted.

[osreb]

The wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

Her name is Lucy and she's 21.

-----------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent County Show, a spokesman said "We will struggle to find another man of the same calibre".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend,
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

----------------------------------------

Just been to the gym, they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though as it does everything ---- "KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question recently asked on the streets of Britain "Are there too many immigrants in Britain?"

17% said yes, 11% said no and 72% said "I am not understanding the question please"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers bust she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

[Fango]

Originally Posted by osreb

The wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

Her name is Lucy and she's 21.

-----------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent County Show, a spokesman said "We will struggle to find another man of the same calibre".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend,
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

----------------------------------------

Just been to the gym, they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though as it does everything ---- "KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question recently asked on the streets of Britain "Are there too many immigrants in Britain?"

17% said yes, 11% said no and 72% said "I am not understanding the question please"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers bust she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...9&d=1322349118

Love this one! If you happen to have any more or remember where you got it, please post or let me know.

Thanks

Fango

[osreb]

Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch.


One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"


"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the ROTARY!"

[osreb]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small
car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed
the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief
won't be able to find it — let alone turn it on – even if someone
tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a
month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning! Some have
reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you
can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain,
and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low
price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the
curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk
increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This
model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year

[osreb]

WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"

"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."

MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"

"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."

[osreb]

Q : What is d difference between umbrella and blouse.

A: (Sharmate Huye);Umbrella-press and open Blouse-open and press


Girl asked a Dog: How can you deliver so many puppies in so many different colours?

Doggy replied: "Try walking Naked on the road, then you will know.

[osreb]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at
Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then
we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and
hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait
for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do
at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and
Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen,
what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes
home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we
drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all
the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus".
Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

[osreb]

My neighbors put up their Christmas lights...