April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread

[osreb]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.



YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

[baddaddy]

Originally Posted by osreb

BAIL'EM OUT!!! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a wh*r* house and selling whiskey?!"

"What the Hell are we thinking?"

sounds funny but it's not true, the IRS sold it off within 3 months of taking over

[osreb]

Socks are only for bowling.
You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.
A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
Your winter coat is made of denim.
You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
Some [MOST] of your friends are over 65.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
You dread love bug season.
You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan, Jeanne & Wilma... Irene... Cheryl... Rita… Mary... Alison.
You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
'Down South' means Key West.
Flip flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba '.

[osreb]

Football Ticket: $40

Hotdog/Coke at the game: $15

Parking for the game: $10

Making a sign and holding it up on national TV with a misspelled word: Absolutely PRICELESS


Mom and Dad must be so proud!

But's it's a good thing she left out the "u" rather than the "o".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[osreb]

A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.

UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPIE OUT AND TOLD
ME, "ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."

Due to his selfless heroic act,

I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"

HE REPLIED,




"VET?



I'M F---ING SOAKED!"

[osreb]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[osreb]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean
one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day."

[osreb]

I understand that you don't have a ton of extra time to read books,
So, I've compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting.

World's Shortest Books
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________


HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
__________________________________________________ _

[osreb]

I had an appointment with my doctor. He asked me what I did yesterday.

I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from an angry 14 point buck in the heavy brush, marched up and down a steep hill, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, then outran an alligator!"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

***** PRO PIC REMOVED *****

[osreb]

This is a story which is perfectly logical
to all males:

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later
the husband comes back
with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him,
"Why did you
buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
(I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!)