When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone.
So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
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When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection:
First the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something upon which I insist.
Second I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."
Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong.
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit wh*r*."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
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One day in school, the teacher wrote on the blackboard, "I ain't had no fun at all last week." She turned to her class and said, "Now, what should I do to correct that?"
A shy student stood up and replied meekly, "Maybe you should get a boyfriend."
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