While earning my master's degree, I worked as an assistant in physiology lab. One class experiment involved monitoring a student's heart rate, breathing and blood flow as the subject exercised or performed other tasks. Student were asked to come up with ways to excite the subject such as pouring ice down his back. Suddenly, a female student sat down on his lap and gave him a long passionate kiss. When the measurements finally returned to normal, the young man turned to the woman and said, "Let's do that again, and take an average."
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There was a man who showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard. "What happened to you?" a co-worker asked.
"I was up nearly all night," the man said. "My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became quite historical."
"Don't you mean hysterical?" the co-worker replied.
"No, historical," the man said. "She went over absolutely everything I've done wrong over the last twenty-five years."
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
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