[osreb]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba, Bertha, Duke,
Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with
the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I
don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"