Mr Scanlon is a professor of linguistics at CCNY. He decided that a divorce would be too expensive, so he seeks an annulment based on his wife's insanity. The evidence is clear however that he systematically drove his wife crazy by refusing to speak except in the form of palindromes. He began by getting a Live Evil tattoo, picked up a girlfriend he met at a teacher's college and the rest fell into place.
To inform the appellate court, a short transcript has been prepared from his criminal trial.
Lawyer: So you found a mistress?
Mr S: I did, did I?
L: Yes you did. You met her in the infirmary when she had the flu! Admit it!
S: Tons o' snot!
L: I don't care how sick she was, you took her to bed. In fact your wife caught you. Tell the court what position you were in when your wife found you! If you have the courage.
S: Go deliver a dare, vile dog!
L: Just answer the question. What position were the two of you in?
S: Level!
L: Tell the court what profession your girlfriend was in!
S: Nun.
L: I don't mean what she used to be. I mean now!
S: Oh. Ho!
L: She's a little old for that isn't she. What is she really.
S: Madam.
L: And her name?
S: Hannah.
L: Judge I filed a legal memo on my client's condition. If you will look at page nine...
S: Some men interpret nine memos!
L: Stop that damn you! What are you? Crazy?
S: Never odd or even!
L: Admit it. You are doing this because you found out about your wife Edna's lover, Dennis!
S: Dennis and Edna sinned!
L: So it's true. You did away with both Dennis and his wife Natasha also.
S: Ah. Satan sees Natasha!
L: I suppose you are going to claim you were drunk when you killed them!
S: Murder for a jar of red rum!
L: And I understand you hid the murder weapon!
S: Too bad. I hid a boot.
L: You actually admit your guilt?
S: Evil did I dwell, lewd did I live.
L: But think man! You committed the sin of Cain!
S: Cain? A maniac!
L: Perhaps. What will you think about when you are in prison?
S: Sexes.
L: I suppose you will. I doubt you will enjoy it there. The food is pretty bad.
S: No lemon, no melon!
Juror: Rise to vote, sir!
Judge: Sit down for God's sake! Bailiff take Mr Scanlon away!
S: Draw O coward!
L: Jesus. He's got a gun!
S: Dammit! I'm mad!
Judge: The lawyer just fainted! Dan, are you alright?
S: Poor Dan is in a droop!
Judge: Grab him!
S: Egad! No bondage!
Judge: That's it - put the cuffs on him!
S: Gnu dung!
Bailiff: It's ok, your honor. We got him tied up like a sausage.
S: I'm, alas, a salami!
Judge: Ok. Now help out Dan. Get him something!
Bailiff: Lew, Otto has a hot towel!
Judge: Christ! Now don't you start!
Bailiff: What do we do with him? Put him in the booby hatch with his wife?
S: No sir! Prefer prison!
The annulment is denied!
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FOOLTHEREWAS
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