[osreb]

1. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

2. An alarm clock is a device for waking people up, who don't have small kids.

3. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

4. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

5. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

6. Children don't sleep ... They recharge.

7. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

8. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

9. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

10. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

12. Kids really brighten a household. They never turn off any lights.

13. Leakproof thermoses - will.

14. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

15. Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car and you get about the same results!

16. Sick children recover miraculously when the doctor enters the treatment room.

17. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

18. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

19. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the g**** jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

20. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over "whose day it is to take out the trash" ends.

21. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

22. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

23. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

24. There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and their mother's age.

25. Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

26. We childproofed our home three years ago and they're still getting in!

27. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then, you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

28. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

29. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.