[RealWithRy]

By 2019, our family looked a little different than it had when this journey first began. I was 25, my husband was 26, and life had settled into a rhythm that revolved around work, parenting, and two little ones. Our oldest was three years old, and our second child, who came from one of the most unexpected nights of our lives when we learned a valuable lesson about my safety, had just celebrated a first birthday.

Looking back, it's amazing how much our priorities had changed. We weren't just a young married couple figuring out an unconventional lifestyle anymore. We were parents first. Every decision had to fit around daycare schedules, nap times, work obligations, and making sure our children always came first.

By then, we had also started realizing something else. While we'd met plenty of nice people over the years, what we really wanted wasn't a long list of casual encounters. We wanted consistency. We wanted someone who could become a trusted friend. Someone who respected our marriage as much as we did.

We hadn't found that person yet.

People often ask what our "type" was. Physically, I've always found black men especially attractive, but that was never a requirement. Attraction is important, but character mattered so much more. Neither of us was looking for someone with a certain job, a certain income, or a certain appearance. We wanted someone who was kind, respectful, patient, communicative, and compassionate. Someone who understood that our marriage always came first and who genuinely cared about building trust over time rather than chasing excitement for a single evening.

As it turned out, finding someone with those qualities was much harder than we expected.

One morning, while my husband was away on a work trip, I decided to grab a latte from our neighborhood coffee shop before running errands. The kids were with the babysitter, and for once I had a quiet morning to myself.

I had quite literally rolled out of bed.

My hair wasn't done, I wasn't wearing makeup, I had thrown on comfortable clothes, and in my rush out the door I hadn't even put my wedding ring back on after getting ready. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. In fact, I probably looked like every other tired mom grabbing caffeine before starting her day.

While I was waiting for my drink, a young man struck up a conversation with me.

Come to find out he was 21.

Normally I wouldn't have expected much beyond casual small talk, but before I knew it he was flirting and eventually asked for my phone number.

The funny part is that I didn't even think about how unusual that was. My first thought wasn't, "I should tell him I'm married." My first thought was simply surprise that someone had approached me at all. I hadn't walked into that coffee shop expecting any attention.

I had errands to run, so we exchanged numbers, wished each other a good day, and I headed on my way.

Over the next few days we texted back and forth. Once we established that there was mutual interest, I explained our situation honestly. I told him I was happily married, explained our lifestyle, and outlined some of the boundaries that mattered most to us. To my surprise, he didn't seem bothered by any of it. He asked thoughtful questions, was respectful, and eventually said he'd like to meet both of us. We all had a phone call together where we discussed everything and we all seemed to hit it off.

Since my husband had Thursday off that week, we invited him over that morning after dropping the kids off at daycare.

Daycare started at seven, and we asked him to come by around nine.

Nine o'clock came and went.

Then nine-fifteen.

Then nine-thirty.

At that point I had pretty much convinced myself we'd been stood up.

My husband, who has always been the calmer one between us, kept reassuring me that maybe he was just running late.

A few minutes later, we hear a car pull into the driveway.

He had come after all.

From the moment he walked through the door, though, something felt...off.

Not bad.

Just awkward.

Looking back, I think all three of us were trying too hard. The conversation felt rehearsed, everyone seemed nervous, and instead of things unfolding naturally, it felt like each of us was wondering what we were supposed to say next.

Sometimes chemistry simply isn't something you can force.

When he finally knocked on the door, I answered looking completely different from the woman he'd met at the coffee shop a few days earlier. That morning at the cafe I'd been makeup-free, wearing casual clothes, with my hair thrown together after practically rolling out of bed. This time, I'd taken the time to get ready. My hair and makeup were done, and I'd changed into lingerie because I wanted us both to make a good first impression and help him feel welcome.

Even so, almost immediately I could tell he was nervous. I'm the kind of person who naturally feeds off the energy of the people around me. When someone is relaxed and conversational, I relax too. But when someone is quiet, reserved, or visibly anxious, I tend to mirror that energy without even realizing it. The conversation felt a little forced, and instead of everyone settling into an easy rhythm, there was an awkwardness that none of us seemed able to shake. Looking back now, I think he was probably just intimidated and understandably nervous meeting a married couple for the first time. In hindsight, I also think we could have been better hosts. We were so focused on wondering whether he was comfortable that we forgot to simply slow down, chat over a cup of coffee, and let everyone get to know each other before expecting things to feel natural.

Anyway, I motioned for him to come sit down on the couch with me. I told him to make himself comfortable. My husband brought him a cup of coffee. He kicked his shoes off and sat there for a few minutes in silence. He didn't say much but eventually I put my hand on his chest and he starts to loosen up. We began kissing but even that felt forced. I had to end up making the first move by slipping my hand in his shorts. That's when I realized he was enjoying it because he was rock hard. He just didn't show it in his demeanor very well. I started stroking it with my hand and he slid his shorts and boxers off. I spread his legs and plant myself in between them and start sucking him off. Of course he is enjoying it but what guy doesn't? I gave him my absolute best head that I knew how to give and he managed to stay hard through it. Next, I get on the couch and spread my legs and told him to come here. I almost had to instruct him on what to do next. Maybe it's because he was a younger guy, but he only lasted maybe 5 minutes. I could tell when he was about to climax and I pulled him close and let him give me a creampie (I'm quite fond of those, LOL) and I don't think he was keen on the idea. I told him I was on birth control and it became less of an issue. It just felt quiet and awkward. At one point my husband got up to start breakfast. I helped him finish breakfast and our friend acted in a hurry to leave. We had to convince him to take a plate of food to go.

I had wondered if we did anything wrong for quite sometime after that and still sometimes wonder.

Afterward, my husband and I both agreed that the connection just wasn't there. There was nothing wrong with him as a person. In fact, he was polite and respectful throughout the entire visit. But there wasn't the easy conversation, laughter, or comfort we'd experienced with older partners. In my own experience, I've generally found it easier to connect with men who have a little more life experience. Age isn't everything, but in this case I think the difference showed.

Over the next few weeks our conversations gradually became less frequent until they eventually stopped altogether. There wasn't any argument or dramatic ending. Life simply moved on.

Even though that meeting didn't turn into what we'd hoped, it reinforced what we were actually searching for.

We didn't just want someone we were attracted to.

We wanted someone who felt like they belonged in our lives, a genuine friend who respected our marriage, cared about our family, communicated openly, and wanted to build trust over time. I'm not saying there is never a time for a wild sex night where we go crazy, but our long term partner was very beneficial to our wife sharing lifestyle, and helped me feel confident and make it easier on me to be more adventurous.

Eventually, we would find someone like that.

In fact, that relationship would become such an important part of our lives that it eventually led to another chapter in our family's story.

But that's a story for another day.