[RealWithRy]

Once we had decided that we both genuinely wanted to explore this new chapter together, we realized we had another challenge ahead of us, ACTUALLY finding someone.

Neither of us had any idea where to begin. It wasn't exactly the kind of thing you casually asked friends about, and we certainly weren't going to walk up to a stranger and start that conversation. After talking it through, we agreed that meeting people online made the most sense. The type of arrangement we were looking for was very specific, and online gave us the opportunity to be upfront about our expectations before meeting anyone in person.

Before creating an account anywhere, we spent several evenings discussing what would make us both feel comfortable. One of the biggest topics was whether my husband would be present during any in-person meeting or encounter.

For me, the answer was obvious.

If we were going to move forward with someone neither of us knew, my husband being there wasn't just a preference, it was about safety. We talked through the pros and cons. On one hand, having him present would help me feel secure and ensure that we could communicate if either of us became uncomfortable. It also meant we were experiencing everything together rather than separately. On the other hand, we understood that not everyone would be interested in that kind of arrangement, and it would probably narrow the number of people willing to meet us.

Even so, we both agreed it wasn't something we were willing to compromise on. My husband's presence throughout the experience became one of our non-negotiable boundaries. If someone wasn't comfortable with that, then they simply weren't the right match for us.

We also made another important agreement before we ever met anyone: we would keep alcohol to a minimum, or avoid it altogether. We wanted every decision to be made with clear heads and sound judgment. We didn't want nerves, excitement, or alcohol influencing choices that deserved thoughtful communication and mutual respect.

Once we felt confident in our boundaries, we created a profile on a social media platform and started talking with people.

At first, it felt exciting. Every new message made us wonder if we had finally found someone who was genuinely interested in getting to know us. But before long, we started noticing a pattern.

Several men would strike up a conversation, ask a few questions, and almost immediately ask for photos of me. We'd share a few pictures, thinking the conversation was moving in a positive direction, only to never hear from them again. Some disappeared without another word. Others simply stopped replying altogether.

I won't pretend that didn't sting.

I've struggled with my confidence for most of my life, so every time someone vanished after seeing my pictures, my mind immediately went to the worst possible place. I started wondering if they had lost interest because of the way I looked. I questioned whether they had ever been serious in the first place. After it happened enough times, I even found myself wondering if this whole idea had been unrealistic from the beginning.

One evening, after another conversation suddenly went silent, I admitted all of those fears to my husband.

He listened patiently before reminding me that online conversations don't always reflect real life. He told me not to measure my worth by people who couldn't even take the time to send a polite reply. More importantly, he reminded me that we weren't looking for just anyone, we were looking for the right person. Someone who respected both of us, appreciated honesty, and shared the same expectations. He reassured me that the problem wasn't me. Finding the right person for such a specific arrangement was always going to take time, and settling for the wrong person would only lead to regret.

His reassurance meant more to me than he probably realized. It reminded me that this wasn't my search alone. It was ours.

Not long afterward, we thought we had finally found someone worth meeting. We spent several days talking and getting to know him, and at first everything seemed to line up. Then, during one conversation, he casually mentioned that he'd like to photograph and/or record the experience.

The suggestion caught me completely off guard.

At that point, I simply wasn't comfortable with the idea. We were already stepping far outside our comfort zone, and the thought of photos being taken felt like too much, too soon. We talked about it privately and decided to trust our instincts. We politely explained that it wasn't something we were interested in, and when it became clear that it was important to him, we decided not to move forward.

Looking back now, after everything we've experienced over the years, I can honestly say that the idea probably wouldn't have been nearly as intimidating. In fact, it may even have sounded exciting. But at that stage of our journey, we were still learning, still discovering our own comfort levels, and it was important to respect where we were emotionally instead of rushing ourselves. Because of this slow start, in later years, I developed more body confidence, and that helped us in the long run.

Eventually, we connected with someone else who seemed respectful enough to meet in person. We agreed that a local coffee shop would be the perfect place for a first meeting. It was public, relaxed, and with no expectations beyond getting to know one another.

We spent a while talking over coffee, and the conversation flowed easily enough. But as we discussed expectations in more detail, it became clear we weren't looking for the same experience. He preferred that any future meeting be between just him and me. My husband and I had already agreed that his presence throughout the entire experience was non-negotiable for safety and peace of mind.

There wasn't any argument or awkwardness. We thanked him for meeting us, wished him well, and headed home.

Driving away, we both came to the same conclusion.

Although we hadn't found the right person, we had done exactly what we promised each other we would do, we communicated openly, respected our boundaries, and refused to compromise them just because an opportunity presented itself.

Our search continued.

No luck so far, but with every conversation and every meeting, we learned a little more about ourselves and became even more confident that when the right person came along, we'd know it.