[jdviole2]

The way I create these posts is to try to write out the story the night before I'm going to upload it. I do that to save daylight hours for all the other things that life requires. I already have a list of things I would like you to know about Helena, and I and only need to put them into words. Last night though I found myself having trouble writing about the topic I had chosen. The problem was what I had done during those daylight hours. I had gone to a financial advisor to have Helena's name taken off of an investment account. No big deal. I've done this four or five times already and it hasn't bothered me up to now. What happened this time was that one of the forms I had to sign had my name and marital status next to each other on the same line. This was the first time I had seen the word "widower" associated with my name and it just hit me like a hammer. Last night every time I tried to start to compose a story for all of you I would see "widower" in my mind and I would start crying. I think the new topic I selected for today will get me beyond this. Several of our friends have asked me what I miss most about Helena being gone. A little insensitive maybe this close to her passing but, hey human nature I guess. So their first guess was sleeping without her in the bed next to me. Another guess was the house was so quiet now with no one else there. There were a lot of other guesses. Nobody got it right. What I miss most is not being able to hold her hand. Everytime we left the house, where ever we went, no matter who was around we held hands. If we had to let go for any reason, as soon as we could, we reached for each other again. That simple contact was very important to both of us. That never stopped in all the years we were together. When we would have to separate for some reason I felt funny, like a part of me was missing. I feel that every day now. Like part of me is missing. Because though I can see her every day in all the pictures I have of her. Though I can hear her voice on the recorded greeting on our voice mail system. No matter how long I stand with my arm out stretched I know that I will never again feel her hand in mine. And that causes me real pain. People always say that the pain will fade. Well I'm not sure I want it to. I don't want to forget what it felt like to love someone that much and to be so loved in return. When I die I want my last conscious thought to be of Helena, I want the last thing I see in my mind to be her face, and I want the last thing I feel to be her hand taking hold of mine. Hey thanks for putting up with this. Tomorrow I will have a story of Helena, a snake, and a toilet. Should be more upbeat. The first picture today is Helena in 1991 on her 40th birthday visiting Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. I've got a funny story about her 40th but will save that for another day. The second picture was taken at the Dorothy Chandler pavillion in LA in 1978. Third we have Helena just outside the main entrance to Disneyland in California in the late 70's. Number 4 is Helena at our friends house in Denver in the early 90's. We've been hiking in the mountains for several days as you can tell by the sunburn on her face. See where her sunglasses left the skin a lot lighter. The fifth picture is at the trial gardens in the mid 70's. The last picture is also from the trial gardens. That was probably my favorite top (other than the red one she had on at the concert) that she wore. I wanted her to leave it bit more loose to allow for more movement and possible nip slips but she outvoted me. Its OK I still think it does a good job of showing her upper body off to good advantage.