Hi Loretta, I have been thinking about your problems for a few days now. I think you should do a couple of things.
First, talk to your husband about your harassment problem. I think he'll probably not be too upset, actually. Firstly, why be angry? The problem would have been if you enjoyed the 'flirting' . If you tell him its a real problem and that you need his help / advice then its clear you dont want to cheat on him with ginger woman. Additionally, its not certain he is so upset about a woman anyway - thats at least how it is for me, women cant make me jealous, I wouldn't mind if my wife had sex with a woman. A guy is something else.... Let your husband think and let him come up with the suggestion of you going to a mixed AA group.
Also, it doesn't seem like your marriage is that great. Probably, if you end up splitting you will find yourself in a better relationship sooner rather than later. But I know breaking up can be hard, I just think you wont regret it after a couple of years. From what you say about it always having been rough I think your reluctance to break up is more due to your psychological blocks against breaking a relationship rather than a cold calculation on what would make you happier in the long run.
Secondly, you are in the US, you should contact a lawyer and ask for help - you could get money and put some people in place.
And finally, from your description of yourself and the look of your profile pic I really think you should post some nude selfies as a 'thank you' to this group. Its mandatory when you use an amateur porn forum as advisory board
(but don't tell your husband
)