[Lloyd B]

This is clearly one of the best times of the year as the holiday season is in full swing and Christmas parties are underway. I have observed that many women are looking for holiday dick because either they’re lonely since they are without companionship around Christmas or they are unfulfilled as their husbands are half in the bag from getting numerous bottles of booze as Christmas gifts. There are many ways to increase your chances of getting humped at Christmas parties but you have to avoid drinking egg nog. Last year I was at a party with a beautiful woman who had gorgeous buns and I went over to proposition her. I told her how much I liked her rump and how exciting it would be to sneak away from the party and get it on. She turned me down flat, however, and I later learned it was because I had egg nog all over my upper lip and she assumed I was gay since it looked like I had just taken a blast of jizz to the chin.

Even though the sexual harassment police are everywhere with the recent scandals, it can still work to go to the john to take a whiz and come out of the crapper with your dong hanging out. (Apparently this was one of Ted Kennedy’s favorite ploys.) You either have to act completely shocked as if it were fully unintentional and you’re oblivious to your faux pas or you have to feign being crocked and unable to properly zip up. Assuming you have a meaty boner, one lonely woman will surely be enticed if you correctly pull it off.

The mistletoe is obviously another favorite party opportunity, but you can’t settle for just a quick peck when you find yourself under it. If you engage the woman in an amorous embrace, you can easily let your hands go right to her fanny and you will soon know how wild she is when you cup the buns and caress the butt cheeks. If she doesn’t immediately pull away, it’s likely that she will be bending over soon enough with her pants around her ankles while you tap that ass. If she does object, you can always plead ignorance by telling her you thought she was an old flame. Some guys have taken to carrying their own mistletoe around and hanging it above their crotch, but I find that to be quite gauche.

Finally, when you go to a party with a gift exchange, especially if the presents are passed around with anonymous gift tags, giving some sort of sexual device is often a good choice. Instead of something clichéd like a giant jelly dong or a vibrator shaped like a porn star’s wang, I prefer to give Ben Wa balls. If the broad knows what they are, you have a sexual dynamo on your hands. If she doesn’t, then you can offer to give her a demonstration and if she hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs to let you do so, your chances of scoring just went way up. Even if she doesn’t agree to that, everyone gets one hell of a belly laugh the first time they hear of these, since Ben Wa balls sound funny in any language.

Anyway, good luck out there to all the people of this lovely forum, stay safe, and enjoy all the ass blasting, butt banging and rump humping that goes on during the holiday season.