You started well with the paragraphs, but then you suddenly stopped making those.
With that said: Punctuations. You say you're trying to get better, but you just completely ignore the biggest flaw that everyone has been pointing out. This is incredibly necessary to become a better writer.
I'll give you a proof read assignment: Read your first paragraph and count how many punctuations you are using there. Read it again and put in punctuations at all the right places. Do this (all the time!), and you will instantly become triple the writer you are today.
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