Hey smjimmie. Glad you did opt to give it a go again. What I would suggest is trying to slow things down a bit and pad them out a lot. You had a full match over the course of six lines and rushed the euf part too. That's kind of the meat of what people are reading for and if you take that away... its hard for people to enjoy this. It never hurts to see what others are being critiqued on and trying to learn from them. A lot of the suggestions that were made for me in the "Paige: The Unstoppable WWE Divas Champion" story applies here too and the story could really benefit from a larger length and a focus on trying to fix up the punctuation a bit.
It's worth it to slow things down, add more to each moment and trying to tighten up the grammar a bit. It is hard to get into a story when you keep getting pulled out of it by getting confused over sentences/grammar. Its better off to try, and maybe miss a few punctuation spots, than to not add any at all.
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