A few things:
I love the concept and the idea! That part is great!
But, I personally feel it's very hard to read. Paragraphs would make it so much easier for us readers to enjoy. Also proper punctuation would be a huge importance in a story. It makes it seem hurried when punctuation isn't included in many places.
Like I said, these are just a few tips for the future to make it even better, because this is an AMAZING concept, man!
