[Indianoutlawesq]

Mister Wigglesnort
By IndianOutlaw

As the group of ten adults and children entered the theatre, it was apparent this was a very special occasion. Four of the adult ladies, all middle aged, were beaming with pride at the accomplishment. The five children were so rattled with excitement it was possible each registered somewhere on a Richter scale. These four, five and six year olds could barely contain themselves. The tenth member of the group, Kelly just gritted her teeth for she knew what was riding on this moment. Looking at her five year old, Bradley, she felt his excitement could cause him to burst at any moment. This was the hottest television show ticket in town, this was the hottest show for anyone with a child under seven; it was the hottest show in town for college drinking games as well. As the ten made their way to their seats, center right, second row; they joined the other 150 audience members with an uneven number of kids to adult; the kids far out weighting the adult population.

Seated now, the queen bee of the group, Marissa, dressed in her finest leaned over to Kelly with a great grin. She uttered the works Kelly hoped she would hear, the words making this nightmarish of a trip worth it.

“Kelly, great job on the ticket,” Marissa smugly but complimentarily saying, “I think little Bradley Jr.is possibly a shoe in for the school play lead this year.” She patted Kelly on the knee in a friendly way. “I don’t know how you got these tickets but good job woman.”

Kelly grinned inside. Only a few weeks into the new school year, her son, a first grader would get to play George Washington and not a tree. Marissa was the head of the PTA and her word meant everything to the school.

As the fever pitch of screaming kids reached a crescendo, the lights dimmed and a small spot light illuminated the back of the stage. Instantly every child went hush. Not a sound could be heard. Then the music rose over the theatre like a wave of comfort. Soon every child was singing low under their breath, all in unison, all without rehearsing, all knowing exactly how the words went. The intro theme to Mister Wigglesnort built up; the small spotlight grew ever larger, until finally it dominated the back of the stand. The curtains parted and at the moment of the song where the name was to be uttered out jumped a man, all the kids sang out in unison….

“MISTER WIGGLESNORT!” This was followed by a great “snorting” sound, mimicking the laughter of our gentleman, wearing a very baggy pair of pants, blue and purple suspenders and a surprisingly sensible shirt.

Soon he was joined by a large dancing pig, Sir Elmer; a mustache wearing hand puppet of a carrot, Pop Scott and a young lady in a blue maids outfit, Gold Locks. The half hour show featured short skits, two cartoons, and lots of singing and dancing. Every kid knew every single word, none cared the music was canned or the words were lip synched. They were just happy to be there. The bonus of Mister Wigglesnort was at home, the show provided one half hour were Moms could leave a kid unattended, sit quietly and enjoy a cup of coffee, spot of tea of shot of tequila; whatever floats their boat, we don’t judge. Kelly was excited as the show finally ended with the pledge of allegiance, and one last “SNORT!”

Show ended, the lights went down and everyone began to leave, everyone except Marissa. Kelly was the only one with nerve to ask.

“Mari, let’s go.” She whispered encouragingly.
“I don’t understand?” Marissa said perplexed.
“What don’t you understand?” Kelly asked.
“I mean we come all this way. We see his show and nothing.”
“Nothing?” Kelly did not understand.
“I expected him to come out and sign autographs.” She bit her lip. “I mean, I promised my children Mister Wigglesnort’s autograph.”

Kelly looked at Marissa’s two children, they did not seem to care but they did know it was important to mom. Marissa grabbed Kelly by the shoulders.

“You need to get us Mister Wigglesnort’s autograph.” Marissa sounded desperate. “I, ah, we have to have them. One for everyone.” The last part was added as she saw the look of desperation on the other mom’s faces.
“I am not sure I have that kind of power.”

“Please you got us the tickets. I know how impossible these are to get. You can get us all autographs, I know you can.”
“That may be beyond my…” Kelly now looked at the other moms who offered the same looks. Each really wanted an autograph; each must have promised their kids the same thing. Kelly shrugged.

“Tell you what, you get the autographs,” Marissa whispered a bargain, “and Bradley Jr. will not only get to play George Washington but also Rudolph in the Christmas play.” She batted here eyes and grinned. Seeing hesitation in Kelly’s face she bartered no way out deal. “Tell you what, at least try. We will take the kids to the mouse pizza and game place and wait for you there. Take all the time you need.”
Kelly did not answer; instead she just sat there watching the group, including her son get up and exit the theatre, each mom thanking her under their breath. It was just a few moments she found herself alone in the theatre, sitting quietly looking around and formulating a plan.

Backstage Kelly walked past several dressing rooms; Sir Elmer, Gold Locks, even Pop Scott had a dressing room. Then she saw the gold star, the noticeably larger door, “Mister Wigglesnort.” Kelly decided to forgo the pleasantries and instead of knocking she just opened the door. Inside she found Mister Wigglesnort sitting alone in an office chair looking in a makeup mirror. He was still in full costume but his fit late 30 something body was more noticeable. He turned with a shocked look on his face.

“How did you get in here?” He mostly yelled, not asked.
“Um, I came for autographs.” Kelly meekly replied, letting the door close behind her. Mister Wigglesnort scanned her body, pausing on her large breasts then continuing on to her shapely legs under her short dress. He smiled and leaned back in his chair.

“So its autographs you want? Who are these autographs for?” His grin was not the same friendly grin he had on stage, it was more devious.

“My friends.” She returned.
Mister Wigglesnort continued to scan her body until he stopped on one part.

“I see a little tan line on your left ring finger. I assume there is no Mister?” His blue eyes shined.
“No.” Kelly was in no position to demand so she played his game. “We have been separated for a year now.”
“Really, a beautiful woman like you, what on earth would cause that to happen?”

“He was banging his dumb blonde coworker.” Kelly said sharply. Mister Wigglesnort leaned back in his chair, eyes taking in Kelly’s beauty as a toothy smile appeared.

“I am sure we can work something out.”

Three hours later in a child scream filled pizza and game parlor with a singing animated mouse; Marissa plied all the kids with tokens galore. Then out of the corner of her eye she saw a female figure enter though the front door. Kelly just grinned holding up several photographs.

“Here you go,” Kelly smiled a crooked smile, “one autograph for each of you, and a special one for you Marissa.” Marissa read the inscription and smiled inside as only the little girl in every woman could.

“Thank You.” Marissa replied.