Quote:
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Originally Posted by heafyd
Guys have you ever went down south on a ladies vulva and wanted to up chuck?
I have and did.
Ladies get a clue
Heaf  |
If a few drops of sterile pee make you gag, son, then don't think about that wet velvet Petri dish you are about to dive into, it's crittertown galore. You'll be better off ordering the house salad and creme brulee.
Now, the seasoned diver makes a few unobtrusive hot zone core samples, romantic-like of course, before deploying his gills.
The seasoned diver also knows that only a nub calls that thang a "vulva."
Hell, that's half your problem. "Vulvas" are locked down tighter than a bull's butt at fly time. All sealed up in nylon and granny panties. You want somethin' that SEEN the light! Aired out! Flossed! Made the proper how-dee-doos!
Open your *mind* Heafyd! What you're callin' a vulva, and the wise Brits call "pink bits" (methinks), is properly labeled a coochie, cooter, flapper, snapper, heavenly taco, monkey, burger, and muffin for starters. (Why do I want an In-n-Out suddenly?) You want something that winks back at ya', hold the teeth!
Besides Heafyd, if she's poppin' her "vulva" open for your dining pleasure, it ain't no "vulva" and she ain't no lady ... at least for the moment.
After nearly 40 years at the raw bar, I have a few tips that may help you to become a Master Chief Pearlman:
Tip #1: If you smell the backbay, you *are* heading to a clambake: Chlam-ydia trachomatis to be exact, or some other tuna-boat plague. Excuse yourself, SCRUB YOUR FINGER, then suddenly remember you left your naked Mother tied to her wheelchair on the porch. Not only do you avoid a vomitaceous sore throat, Willie and the Po' Boys will wink their thanks later.
Tip #2: If her goo looks like ricotta, you better ought notta. She's got the Yeastie Boys jamming down there and, unless you don't give a rat's ass about your chewin' parts and their surroundings, eat your bread from a different plate.
Tip #3: If you are really squeamish about nasty smells and tastes, run like hell if you see a double espresso in one hand and a Marlboro in the other. Caffeine and nicotine just oooooozzzzze out of her coochie, and her pee is potent enough to clear the pond. So, if you have a trip-trigger gag reflex, put on your nose clip before you do battle with her pink pearl.
Tip #4: If she's (a) smokin' naked Joe's, (b) swillin' Starbuck's by the quart, (c) leavin' a ricotta trail on your moonlit stroll, and (d) bringin' tears to the eyes of passersby when she ties her sneaker, but the Little General still sez "Charge!" then there's only one thing to do - Tequila, lots of it. The cheaper, the better. Take 3 fingers every 15 minutes until your face gets numb enough to lovingly put her cigarette out on it. Then grab her knees, pop her open, and enjoy with abandon. Not only will she smell and taste like a bon-bon factory, the Agave juice will sterilize anything on contact.
Once ya' grow a dick, sonny, it all becomes moot.
Pax vobiscum.
ghillie.308
