I don't want to be critical, but for the sake of readability... on long stories like this you really need to use linefeeds to separate the paragraphs. I really wanted to read the whole thing, but it's just to hard... lose track of where I am at a lot, especially once you get into the middle.
Other than that it looked like an interesting read and I'd be eager to go through it all if you went back and added the breaks.
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