April Fools Month - jokes & pics thread
 

My April theme is jokes and pics. I post marrigae jokes on the great bride thread and drink jokes on the uner the influence thread, So I am dedicating April to post my jokes and clean out my stored pics including EIEIO leftovers.

I know you guys have jokes and pics, so lets get this thread going. The pics don't have to match the joke
but to start it off I have blonde pics with blonde jokes.


THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
************************************************** *************************************


A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop for speeding.

Cop; "Mam, can I see your drivers license, please."

Driver: Rumages through her purse; " I can't find it."

Cop: "Well do you have any form of a photo ID."

Driver: Again digs in her purse, pulls out a compact, flips it open, looks at herself in the morror, hand it to the cop and says: "Here, this as my picture on it."

Cop: Takes the compact and looks at the mirror and hands it back to the blonde driver.
He then says: "I am so sorry Mam, if I had known you were a cop I would have never pulled you over."

A Riddle
 

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this
one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of
the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skysc****rs. The other is
getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman. They are both
thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

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> Don't look down

...so, where's the answer...
 

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...could'nt resist

4-2-09
 

On a desert island.

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up:
A pharmacy,
A liquor store,
A restaurant,
A laundry,
And have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply future employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about:
Her body;
The true nature of feminism;
How she can do everything they can do;
The necessity of fulfillment;
The equal division of household chores;
How sand and palm trees make her look fat;
How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
How her relationship with her mother is improving and
How at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But, they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

__._,_.___

4-3-09
 

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.....

Post #4 was great, I laughed for quite a while :D.

thnx osreb

oh and the pics are great too :)

4-4-09
 

The commanding officer of a Marine regiment was about to start the morning
briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for
the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a
question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky
the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He
posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it
was pleasure?'

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young
private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir,
"if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1238849170

Wow, you know I love group flashing pics, but when it's a group of 30-something women on a city street, in the middle of the day, then it's something really special.

Thanks

Fango

4-5-09
 

Pick Up Lines...

Lets play Titanic,
When I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper,
Because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone,
Because I'll make your
Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels,
Would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet?
Then why are you wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket
Because I can easily see myself in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number,
Can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body,
Would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the
First thing that pops up.

I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer.
Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach?
"NO."
Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids.
How about me and you play gynaecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye,
I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me,
Do you give head to strangers?
Well then,
Allow me to Introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs.
Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Do you have some Irish in you?
Would you like a piece
Of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you,
I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Kelli.
Don't forget it because you'll
Be screaming it later on tonight.

I'm new in town,
Could you give the directions to your apartment?

I love every bone in your body.
Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the
Only thing you're wearing.

All those curves,
And me with no brakes.

4-6-09
 

Cyber sex.

As I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, I decided of try to figure out what it meant.
I figured it had something to do with the computer.
So, I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel...

Then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman.

I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock.

She kind scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her.

Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone.

She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock.

He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive.

I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed.

He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him.
"You're killing me!"
Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't
Trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck.

I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.

He mumbled something about that explaining it.
"She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away.

Wonder why he only noticed one?

Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it.

Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

4-7-09
 

Newly Discovered Element.
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.

Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0.
However, it has 01 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is chemically inert.
Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Although Administratium has a normal half-life of three years, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium's sample mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain level of concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "critical morass."
You will recognize it when it occurs.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER STRESSED!!

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

4-9-09
 

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the " fires".



(NOW FOR THE BEST PART...)



After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

THE GOOD HUSBAND
 

Several men are in the locker room of a Golf Club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello".

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

THIS IS MY FRIEND DEE....

thanks for the post rt
 

begiining to think noone else hada joke or funny post to share.
*************************************************

Dates with Different Ladies.

AMERICAN WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her good night.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
Is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.


MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
The back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in.
One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother,
All of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
Her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in
And
You live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice,
But now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.
No third date!!!


LEBANESE WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress
Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier.

I don't want my Jewish girl friends to feel left out So I'll offer this:

JEWISH GIRLS:
First date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress. You get to finger her but she won't touch you..
Second Date:
You get a blowjob.
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier - or else you marry her and never get a blowjob again.

Just kidding, that was only a few of them. I was fortunate enough to have a few Jewish girls choose me to relieve them of their virginity.

My Chinese girl story is a little different, but for the guys who knew her before me that was right on the money! ;) Love ya til I die, shmoopsie.

4-10-09
 

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' Are - my - test - results - back ?

4-11-09
 

Some gay humor:

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the two gays, she points out the
happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when
we pull the pacifier out of his ass,

************************************************** ****************

Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

I hate to be a party pooper, but this is an urban myth.

4-12-09
 

Jesus,who was he?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

He went into his fathers business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN

His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He set up his HQ in Rome

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He could'nt get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A HIPPY

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He had to feed a crowd,at a moments notice,from a few leftovers
He kept trying to get his message across to a bunch of men who just did'nt get it
Even when he was dead,he had to get up because there was more work to do

***** ONE CLICK VICKY PIC REMOVED *****

Easter - part II
 

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in
the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds
and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to
question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All
the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the
women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?? Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
************************************************** ***
Senior Church Moment

A Preacher is explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims,

' If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay

I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90- year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw the preacher..."

4-13-09
 

New Dating Dictionary



ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.


EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

*******

4-`4-09
 

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

4-15-09
 

The Taxman cometh!

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

4-16-09
 

One Liners (Jokes)

• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we' re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

Any idea where this might be from?: https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...0&d=1239882715

It looks like some kind of theatre studio. Maybe some kind of burlesque show? They look more like actors than strippers, and the clothed guy in front could possibly be the director. :confused: Intriguing either way.

Thanks

Fango

4-17-09
 

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman .

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

4-18-09
 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

4-19-09
 

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

4-20-09
 

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.


On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.


This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"

************************************************** *****************************

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.


On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.


This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"

4-21-09
 

A teenage boy ask the new girl in town for a date girl Friday night for dinner and a movie.

The girl acccepts and tells him that if he brought some protection she would give him a little piece of heaven
after the movie.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s e x before, but he knows what she means and takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the bpy.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many con doms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door..

'Oh, I'm so excited, but my parents insist on meeting my date, come on in!' they are in the den playing Monopoly.

The boy goes inside & is taken to the den. The boy quickly offers to join the game, stating Monopoly is his favorite game and ask if he can play? he then sits downs and plays Monopoly with the girl's parents. After the game he stands up and and says it is time for him to go home.
The girlfriend leans over and tells him she will walk him to his car.
Once outside she angerly yells at him; " You told me you would take me to a dinner and a movie! I didn't want to stay home on a Friday night and play Monopoly with my parents. Why didn't you tell me you liked to play Monopoly?"

The boy turns and yells back; "Well you didn't tell me your father was a pharmacist!"

4-22-09
 

LAWYER STORY

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t y ou like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?”

The layer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten says, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So… if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
************************************************** ********************************

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.



Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

4-23-09
 

My family doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday.

She's really beautiful and unbelievably sexy.


She told me that I have to stop masturbating.



When I asked her why, she said


"because I'm trying to examine you"

4-24-09
 

quotes


A good discussion is like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!



Children in backseats cause accidents, Accidents in backseats cause children!




"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep!




There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!




"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY", So what? Who's in a hurry?



"Hard work never killed anybody", But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)


"Work fascinates me", I can sit and watch it for hours!



God made relatives, Thank God we can choose our friends.



My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really am sorry for him!



When two's company, three's the result!

4-25-09
 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,"No" he replies.

"I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes,there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

4-26-09
 

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

4-27-09
 

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

4-28-09
 

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills

4-29-09
 

A mother is driving a little boy to his friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little boy asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little boy says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal
questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little boy asks, 'Why did you and Daddy
get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young man, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin
to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the
little boy says to his friend..

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is
look at her driver's license. It is like a report card,
it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little boy says to his mother, 'I
know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find
that out?
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little boy says triumphantly, 'I know
why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex

4-30-09
 

lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the shit out of her, not once , but three times.