GF/Wife sexual past. How to deal with retroactive jealousy?
 

I want to start by saying that I love asking my girlfriends about their sexual past. It really turns me on. I find exciting to imagine them doing dirty things with their former partners and I often masturbate thinking about it.

However, when you develop a romantic love for someone; retroactive jealousy is unavoidable.

Just to be clear; personally, it's not a big deal. I still love to listen to her stories and I notice how the relationship strengthens every time we do it. But, from time to time, weird thoughts come to my mind. They go away fast, but they do come and that's not very pleasant.

So, my question to all of you (whom I consider to be wiser than me in those regards) is... how do you deal with retroactive jealousy? What can someone (not precisely me but someone who might be really struggling) get over the fact that his GF/Wife had sexual experiences with other men?

I will start:

• A relationship must be based on trust and when the loved one trusts you with that information; the relationship strengthens significantly.

• As Sun Tzu said: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”. Basically, if you know how their former lovers pleased her; you can easily top that.

• She had all the right to enjoy her sex life before being with you; in the same way that you did it. She enjoyed and was enjoyed. And that's fine.


What is your piece of advice?

I figured it out the hard way myself.

When my fiancée and I started dating, she "jokingly" told me about her sexual history one night after drinking.

I found out that night, and on several other occasions, about her rather "busy" history. When she was in her early twenties she started experimenting with her then-fiancée. He brought a female friend into the relationship and she had her first threesome. The two of them also had sex in public and enjoyed a very exciting sex life. Eventually they broke up; and she got even more experimental in the aftermath. She started bringing home random guys from bars - to this day she won't tell me how many guys or how many penis have been in her. She went out with her best friend one night, met some guys at a bar who had coke, and ended up in a coke-fueled foursome .

I guess she figured it would turn me on; but it had the opposite effect. I guess my real problem was that our sex life was nowhere near as exciting as what she'd experienced; and so I felt cheated. I asked her questions; and the more answers I got the more I seethed. And then one day I had a "Chasing Amy" moment where I started drilling her about her past, asking her how many dicks exactly had been in her, calling her a few choice names; getting angrier while she started really freaking out. We fought and I was getting ready to dump her. But I decided not to go Ben Affleck; called some friends instead who calmed me down.
We're still together and now engaged.

My piece of advice, what worked for me, was perspective. She was younger. She was really hot (she still is but not like in her 20's!). She was lonely. She was just a different person. Understanding that my fiancée went through this stage in her 20's, and it's part of her past; it's done. Gaining this perspective is what allowed me to move past her sexual history and move on with our lives.

IMO, you got it right the first time.
Simply enjoy getting turned on that another man has kissed, touched and licked your girl where you kiss and lick her. Another man was inside of her and knows what it's like to make her cum and get her vagina soaking wet.

I hang around this guy who's not a friend of mine but just someone I see now and then. When we was out of town for a week, his gf and I fucked like rabbits. Now I get to say to myself, "I know what your girl's pussy tastes like, and my penis has memorized the feeling of her vaginal walls."

It works in reverse also, because I get hard meeting one of her exes, and say to myself, "He's fucking banged my girl." I get totally hard.

Shoot, I'm jealous of myself and wife before we got married. We had so much more sex then. I swear a ring and dress turn women into ice.

Exactly!

So, let's add two more bullets according to what you said:

• She became the person you love and makes you happy because her past made her be that way. It's part of our life.
• Her commitment started when she decided to be with you. If she has been loyal, faithful and honest during "your time"; it's all that matters.

Wow, I can't even imagine how hard it should have been for you to deal with that. But it speaks highly of you that you could overcome that feeling and move on.

For what I understood, your advice; summarized, is:

• People's lives are different; and we take decisions and do things according to those conditions. We shouldn't judge but rather understand that life takes us all to do certain things. We all make mistakes, we all do crazy things. We have to change our perspective to move on.

:( That's quite sad. :(

I haven't been married; so I don't know what to say; but there are a lot of guys on this forum who will surely have some solid advices on what to do.

Yeah!

Sometimes when I'm inside of her; I imagine that it's one of her exes who is enjoying her wet vagina. It helps me a lot when we are on our 3rd. round and I'm not aroused enough; because it makes me super hard and I come really fast.

Oh, and as you said; it's an feeling amazing feeling when you are hanging with a couple and you know how it feels the girl's vagina and you can't stop picturing her naked. And the BF is clueless!!!

Fuck yeah!!

One of my OCC fantasies here, with all of the fetish porn we see here, would be in real life for my wife to get in a catfight with her ex's current girlfriend (these are real people I've met), and have my wife stripped of her dress, bra and panties, and be totally nude in front of the three of us. Of course, my wife's ex has seen her nude and the idea of the two of us staring at her, forced-naked and humiliated, is totally hot. LOL.

Thankfully, unlike pa_boy, my lady's sex drive has not diminished since marriage. In fact, we've done way more hot stuff together than she ever did before we got together.

That said, there are a few things she's done with other guys before me that, because of time and circumstance, we haven't done.

The list used to be longer than it is now and that's how I don't avoid having jealous thoughts - I simply have a mental to-do list of the things she's done previously that we haven't yet done.

Obviously, I hope to get them all ticked off eventually. ;-)

if
 

If you think she saved herself for you,,,,, or,,,,,, have any problem w/ any girls past sex, boyfriends, etc.. (except criminals boyfriends).... you shouldn't have gotten married to anyone!!

What's the next thing in your bucket list? I would love to read it... if you feel like sharing it, of course. ;)

Well there's no specific "next thing" on the list. I'm not planning to do them in order or anything. :-)

I've already written about one that is unlikely to happen (https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/show...75&postcount=4) but here's one that I think will, someday...

Back when we was about 19 she went to an afternoon screening at the cinema with the guy she was with at the time. Well, it turned out that a) they were the only two people at the movie and b) they found it a bit boring. So, being horny students, you might not be too surprised to find out that they started doing other things!

She tells me that they didn't actually fuck (neither of them had thought they'd need condoms in the cinema!) but they did give each other oral. She was wearing a skirt, so she simply took off her panties to give him access. When it was his turn, she knelt on the floor between his legs and went to work. After a few minutes, she started to get paranoid that a member of staff might call in and catch them so she asked him if he could "hurry up".

Again, not a surprise, he suggested she get her boobs out. In for a penny, in for a pound, she thought and took off her top! It worked and her then bf finished within the next minute. They then got re-dressed and attempted to watch the final few minutes of the movie. However, they couldn't really focus on it so just got up and left.

Anyway, in our relationship, over a decade-and-a-half of cinema going we've never ended up in a situation where we were the only two people in the screen. But if it ever does happen... ;-)

I've dealt with this in the past. My wife was with many men but I ended up asking details of every single encounter and it drove me wild. I was very young. If I were to enter a new relationship I'm not sure I would want all the details. But I think there's something about knowing another guy did something with your girl that you haven't that triggers jealousy. I don't have to worry about that though as we've done everything together. It also makes me a bit jealous to think she may look fondly on those other times with other guys. Obviously I think of my pst experiences and get excited about them, so why wouldn't she?

It's an irrational and immature yet unavoidable thought. I think most men want the women they've been with to think they're the best. It's an alpha male thing.

The best advice I could give is to listen to her. When she says you're the one for her, that she enjoys sex with you, etc. let that be enough.

A very mature attitude to have about all of it.

First of all well done to Ulsafiu for starting this thread, I think its great and I've loved the discussion. I have to admit that I've privately messaged Ulsafiu on this topic as well and we had a great exchange of messages.

My opinion, based on my relationship with my wife Beth and previous relationships is as follows:

• Girls have the right to enjoy themselves with the guy they are with, at the time they are with them. Our time is now - other guys had their time before us - its all the same
• The guys that dated Beth had a right to enjoy her body and her pussy and I'd be disappointed in her if she hadn't done her best to enjoy them and let them enjoy her body
• Some guys just used Beth for a casual fuck. That was their right and I'm glad they both had fun
• Some guys dated Beth for longer and took their time to learn what she liked sexually, take her to places she hadn't been before and to get her to do the things they liked. All these things helped Beth to be someone who enjoys sex and likes to please
• Some guys were special. Some were one offs who were just great in bed and still make her wet when she thinks about what they did together. Other guys made her feel special as part of a relationship and that made sex great and she can still look back and enjoy those memories. All of that helps to keep her sexually interested and active

Getting Beth to talk about the fun she had with other guys makes us both horny and often leads to great sex. If you are jealous about your wife or gf's past then just remind yourself who is enjoying her pussy right then !

All men get jealous, its part of being a man. However, All the women I know and all the men who think like me will tell you something important ..jealous men get a lot less sex than those men who can make a woman feel comfortable and proud of the sexual person she is..

I hope this makes sense. Anyone who has read my other posts will know that I get a massive sexual thrill from learning about Beth's past lovers and boyfriends so I am clearly biased. However, if you read posts from other guys on this forum such as GRITS who is clearly an 'Alpha' male who gets a lot of sex with great women then you will see that jealousy is for the little guys...be the strong guy who can make your wife or gf love her past and you'll be the one who gets the benefit!

I'll look forward to seeing other people's opinions!
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Best thing - assume wife gf has had a wild past..and continue to do most of those things..

BIG mistake I and many men make is assuming they are nuns...

However...

I really don't know why women need to go into details though.. Just sets yourself up for unnecessaery comparisons..its human..just get the highlights and move on..shouldnt some things be left for girl talk or with her gay best friend..?

That being said..my goals are to do most of these with my gfs..otherwise she may get it elsewhere..

In public.. anal...rough sex..dirty name calling talk...etc..

If its a serious gf.. No threesomes...if she is a casual hookup..where I dont value her that much..fine

..plus multiple orgasms.....anal..vaginal..clit of course

Makes sex more exciting
 

Hi and thanks for such a clearly defined contribution.
I haven't been active on OCC for long but similarly I am loving the stories, particularly from British guys about relationships and situations which have happened.
I have been married twice now ( will I learn?)
The 1st was to a girl a little older than me. Our relationship started when she was married to her 1st husband so I can believe that once someone embarks on an affair, there is a real likelihood they will continue throughout their life doing the same, however regularly ( although that isn't for this thread)
I never thought anything about this through the 5-6 ys we were married and maybe didn't pay attention to the 'excitement' of sex with Pat.
I discovered after we split and divorced, via a friend of Pats, that she had actively been having affairs, of short duration, on 4 occasions and then the guy she left me for making 5. Now I think back there were a few subtle hints she made which otherwise should have made me wonder...but ignorantly I just carried on blissfully unaware. We had fun together definitely, enjoying similar interests, holidays and with an active social circle; so why think differently?
Back to the subject of 'jealousy regarding ex's', When I found out from her friend, Lucy, ( who I was by then having sex with , despite her being in a relationship !) I didn't feel jealous, more it was regret.
Because, the sex me and Lucy were having was definitely spiced up and more erotic when she told me all about my ex wife's affairs. Lucy admitted she too got a high when she explained about Pat and as she still knew my ex, occasionally could question her to get more facts to add to our enjoyment of sex. She in fact told me a few of her own stories too.
So I agree totally how horny hearing of the past sexual encounters of wives. or g'friends can make us feel, rather than a wasted jealous emotion. Its happened, enjoy it, we have that girl or wife at that time so enjoy how it can help the sex be amazing...Does that make sense?
My 2nd wife,Megan, was different to Pat in that she had never cheated on any of her (several) ex bfs. But her past was a series of short term relationships and one offs, especially when at university and her early 20's. Learning from how I discovered Lucy telling me things about Pat and indeed her own situations made our sex so much more exciting, I made a concerted effort to always discuss ex's with Meg. She was more than willing to do that and our lovemaking was always wilder and more passionate (until we too divorced after 4 years)
So no, jealousy isn't an emotion I have or do feel when a girl I am with sexually admits her past lovers and what went on. Its more a motivation to find out more.
I hope this adds a little to this discussion and thanks for who started it.

The reason why I started this thread was because of you. Your advices were quite solid; and now that you elaborated more in here... I think they way better.

Confidence is key: you are better than any former lover she has ever had. Make her remember every cock that has been inside of her; then put yours in and make her feel like the others were not enough.

And clean every trace of past cocks by filling her with your hot cum everyday.

I was a virgin when I met my wife and she was very experienced.

I was 31 and she was 33. She has been with 3 other guys besides me.

I really hurt holding out so long for the right woman but eventually I met my wife and once she learned that she was the first woman I had ever had sex with she smiled, gave me a hug, and told me what an honor it was for her to be the woman who took my virginity.

She asked if I had any special sexual favors and my response was "You don't have to shave down there."

She agreed! :)

Not necessary
 

I don't agree that retroactive jealousy is inevitable. My wife is a few years younger than me, but when we got married she was way more experienced. She was very upfront with me from the start she liked sex, and had a lot of different partners. She was 19 when she lost her virginity, and 23 when we met. She told me that she doesn't know the total number, but estimates she had sex with more than 60 men before me. That doesn't include the odd blowjob/handjob when she was on her period. She has always been able to separate emotions from sex, which may be the reason I have never been jealous. Plus, she has never given me a reason to not trust her. I have always enjoyed listening to her tell me about her different encounters. Some are hot and sexy, some are sad and funny. In the end, you should only be jealous if she gives you cause. Does she want other men? Repeat encounters with previous men? Is that why you are afraid? If you trust her, there is no reason to be jealous. Don't confuse your sexual arousal with jealousy. As my wife says, its just sex.

I agree with everything you wrote and in my case my wife's friend told her my wife estimated it to be over 30 guys. She never told me but told her friend, and her friend told me.

It's completely normal, IMO. Also, if I understand a lot of women, sometimes sex has emotion and sometimes it doesn't. 80% of the time they can classify it correctly. Almost all problems, IMO, are caused by an emotional mistake, not a sexual one.

But I enjoyed reading LBnJB's mature contribution to this.

I have my own views on whether I ever want my wife to tell me about a past sexual experience.

meeting a former lover
 

I was lucky enough to bump into one of my wife's former boyfriends a couple of weekends ago. Beth and I were at a charity dinner and he was there with his wife. It was extremely horny for me to see them chatting away so happily and also to catch him checking her out in her sexy cocktail dress at other times during the evening.

I'm hoping that he enjoyed the memories of seeing Beth naked and enjoying her body. They dated when she was early 20's so the perfect combination of body in great shape, a lovely tight pussy and enough confidence and experience to really enjoy sex. They had a weeks holiday together where, i know from Beth, they had a lot of sex and he initiated her into the joys of anal.

Beth definitely enjoyed seeing him again and she got the balance right of being flirty with him without doing anything that would upset me or, more importantly his wife.

When we got home Beth was very happy to talk more about her time with him and i helped by stroking her pussy while she told me :)

Why would anyone be jealous about a situation like that?

I've been married for close to 30 years. I could care less about what my wife had done before. I have no need to be jealous if she was honest about it. I have only gotten jealous or angry over her past when I have found out she hasn't been honest and that was few and far between and that wan't because of what she had done it was because if she couldn't trust me about it, then it was something that would effect our level of emotional intimacy. We have gone place many couples wouldn't dare to go, so why hold anything back?

Live for today and tomorrow, yesterday has gone. What happened in someone's past, before they met their current partner is as relevant as what they had for lunch yesterday.

In my own case, I love my wife to tell me about what she has done with whom. I try to press her for details but she normally claims to not remember.....but loves watching me get hard when she tells a story.

In turn, she asks me about me own experiences and knowing that I have a photographic memory she asks for (and gets) all the details

If you want to be the man, you gotta be the man. What I mean by that is make sure you're the best she ever had. Do what it fucking takes, no matter what it takes, and watch your problems fade away.

I took my wife to her HS reunion last summer. Ugh. But I encouraged her and made sure she had her hair done and colored and paid the bill. I encouraged her and went to the mall with her and made sure she had a new outfit and paid the bill. I ordered up some new lingerie and shoes for her. She looked amazing.

Before the gathering, in the hotel room, as we were about to go downstairs, I pulled her little skirt up and I ate her pussy, to orgasm, twice. At this point, she wanted the D and she wanted it bad. So I pulled it out, and mounted her, and whispered in her ear, "You are the hottest woman I've ever seen in my whole fucking life. And I'll give you this hard fucking cock all night long as soon as your reunion is over."

How much time do you think she spent talking to the meatheads she went to High School with?
Zero. She knows who the Man is.