Limericks
 

Let's have at those limericks. Standard rules apply. Keep them witty, risque and clever. To start...

There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well endowed chap
And cried, "Sir! You're right up my alley!"

I'll give it a shot
 

A do-it-yourselfer named Alice
used a dynamite stick for a phallus
they found her vagina
in South Carolina
and parts of her anus in Dallas

I'm sure I can drad up a few from the past...
 

There was a young girl from Devizes
Whose breasts were different sizes
One was so small
Hardly anything at all
The other was big and won prizes!

Airborne
 

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

Nantucket has many
 

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose thing was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!"

Just for larks
 

I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.

There once was a beautiful Goddess. She
Wore a voluptuous bodice. We
Saw her undress,
And then heard her express,
"Hot damn, I've discovered immodesty!"

First
 

There once was a caveman named Dave
Who kept a dead girl in his cave
They say he's a beast
To fuck the deceased
But think of the money he's saved!

There once was a hooker names Sue
She filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
They pay to get in
Now they'll pay to get out of me too!

More
 

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a particular feeling
She'd lay on her back
Tickle her crack
And piss at flies on the ceiling.

Their once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead wh*r* in his cave
She was minus one tit
And stank like shit
But think of the money he saved.

There was a young lady from Dallas
Who put some pot in her chalice
And she said with a grin
As her boyfriend put it in
Now watch me turn on his phallus

More Limericks
 

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were most inferior
He did to a nun
What should never be done
And now she's a Mother Superior.

A gay young man from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, to whom.

There once was a lady named Arden
Who sucked off a man in the garden
He said listen fluff
Do you swallow the stuff?
And she said, gulp, beg your pardon?"

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said there is one thing I do know
A woman is fine
And a sheep is devine
But a Llama is numero uno.

There was a young barmaid from Crale
On whose tits were tattooed the price of ale
While on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille.

The first man on earth was named Adam
Who complacently toyed with his madam
For on all the earth
There were only two balls
________and he had 'em.

There once was a lady from Douth.
Upon returning from a trip to the south,
Her father cried, "Nelly,
I fear there's more in your belly
Then ever went in through your mouth!"



There once was a lady, who had a yen
To diddle herself with a fountain pen.
The pen, it broke, the ink went wild.
She gave birth to an indigo child.

In Latin?
 

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had very small organs of sex
When charged with exposure
He said with composure
"De minimis non curat lex!"

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he struck them together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.

Written in response to a friend, who bet me I could not come up with a clean limerick with this first line:

There was a young lady called Hunt,
Who was not very big at the front.
She said that the cause
Was pulling on oars
Whilst laying face down in a punt.

There once was a man from Adair
Who was doing his girl on the stair
On the 49th stroke
The bannister broke
And he finished her off in midair.

There once was a man from Moline
Who invented a fucking machine
It would convert or convex
And fuck either sex
And it knocked up his darling wife Jean.

Good poetry

There once was a lady from Norway,
Who hung upside down in a doorway.
She called to her man,
"Just look at me, Stan!
I think I've discovered one more way."

There was an old hermit named Dave,
who kept an old dead wh*r* in his cave,
you must admit she smelled like shit,
but think of the money he saved.

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin
She didn't mind fucking
But much preferred sucking
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.


There was a young fellow of Buckingham
Wrote a treatise on c*nts and on sucking them
But later this work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
Whose topic was ass-holes and fucking them.


A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved to nibble a peter
She always would say
"I prefer it this way
I think it is very much neater."


There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke
He took down her pants
Fucked her into a trance
And then pissed in her shoe for a joke.

To his wife said an old man from Sydenham,
"My trousers! Pray, where have you hydenham?"
I know that they're torn,
Thus shouldn't be worn,
But I foolishly left twenty quydenham."

A chambermaid working in Drogheda
Had a mistress who often annogheda.
Whereupon she would swear
In a language so rare,
That thereafter nobody emplogheda.



And I suspect no-one on t'other side of the Atlantic will get this one:

There once was an old man from Salisbury
Whose morals were Halisbury-Scalisbury.
He wandered round Hampshire
Without any pampshire,
'Til the vicar compelled him to Walisbury.

(The old pronunciation of Salisbury was Sarum, and the abbreviation for Hampshire is Hants.)