7-17-09
 

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched
throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule
to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of
the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old
man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did
dance—and just never wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
“Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started
shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in
order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was
soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back
into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule,
pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both
hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried
clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very
slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The
crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old
timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it
hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”

The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No, but I’ve always wanted to.”


There are two lessons for us all here:


1. Don’t waste ammunition.

2. Don’t mess with old people.

6-18-09
 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

6-19-09
 

Calories burned during sex

Activity group: Motivational context
Afire with passion 85
Because there’s nothing on TV 37
Out of guilt 55
Out of curiosity 73
Like it was some major emergency 911
To gather information 411

Activity group: Foreplay
Tickling 17
Licking 24
Nibbling 28
Noshing 33
Sucking 38
Pleading 19

Using vibrator
personal size 22
Using vibrator
industrial size 114

Horseplay
with saddle 94
Wrist wrestling to see who gets to be on top 77
Nagging her/him into doing it 21

Activity group: Insertion
Both partners fully aroused 11
Female not fully aroused 46
Male not fully aroused 108

Activity group: Positions
Missionary: Man 70 Woman . 32

Woman above:Woman 75 man 23
“Canine” variation: man 35 woman 15
“Wheelbarrow” variation; man 60 woman 78
“Weightlifter” variation: man 100 woamn 45 spotter 15
“Caribbean Pirate” variation: man 47 woman 33 parrot 5

Activity group: Types of bed
Queen size bed 26
King size bed 29
Exxon CEO size bed 58
Vibrating bed 34
Bunk bed 37
Waterbed 44
Flower bed 51
Oyster bed 73
Futon 18
Hammock 155
Hospital bed 98.6

Activity group: Outside the bedroom
In the garage V6
In the rec room 52
In the gym 141
In the John 3:16

Activity group: Non-bed surfaces
Floor 11
Couch 17
Piano bench 29
Piano 4/4
Kitchen table 16
Coffee table 24
Conference table 30
End table 37
Pool table 15, side pocket
Operating table IV
Cocktail lounge table 13
Cocktail lounge booth 19
Cocktail lounge bar stool 41
Cocktail lounge bar 7&7
Monkey bars 85
Teeter totter 63
Waterslide 47
Diving board 52
Ironing board 39
Dartboard 1-20
Surfboard 9 by 9
Sideboard 11
Cheese board 17
All aboard 66
Board room 1

Activity group: Geographical
New York City 100
Los Angeles 76°
Seattle 2.0
Las Vegas 6-1
Beverly Hills 90210
Miami 65+
Buenos Aires
New Orleans Category 3
Rome XXXVII
In a convenience store 7-11
At Cal Tech 101101
Activity group: Linkin’ for Lincoln
In Lincoln, Nebraska 8
In a Lincoln Town Car 41
In the Lincoln Bedroom 20
On the Lincoln Memorial 54

Activity group: Transportation
In an airliner restroom 102
In an airliner seat (coach) 123
In an airliner seat (first class) 83
In the cockpit (Get it?)
Repeatedly, throughout an airliner 707
Repeatedly, throughout a BIG airliner 747
In orbit 0.00014
During liftoff 54321
On a yacht 19
On a sailboat 27
In a canoe 39
Swimming back to shore 54

Activity group: Selected sexual aids or accessories
Dildo, manual 13
Dildo, electric 7
Dildo, acoustical 11
Spatula 3
Bicycle pump 10
Pogo stick 28
Handcuffs 29
T****ze 31
Unicycle 17
Trampoline 42
Catapult 16
Catamaran 13
Cat o’ nine tails 9

Activity group: Using lubricants
Vaseline 7
Oil of Olay 11
Baby oil 2-1/2
Olive oil 14
PAM 0
3-in-1
the oil, not the menage 16
Butter plus 31
Chicken gravy plus 46
Hot fudge plus 144

Activity group: Apparel during sex
Naked 3
Shoes and socks only 6
Pajamas and nightgown 14
Fully dressed, standard office attire 24
Fully dressed, casual Friday 19
Tuxedo and wedding gown 30
Leather ensemble 38
Leather restraints 44
Nurse uniform 21
Police uniform 10-4

Activity group: Timing factor
Before a big meal 74
After a big meal 29
After watching Paris Hilton video 62
After watching Adam Sandler movie 3

Activity group: Musical accompaniment
Old Man River 11
Minute Waltz 3
Disco 66
Flight of the Bumblebee 1,846
Beach Boys Greatest Hits 409
Stones’ Sympathy for the Devil 666
Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper 64
Motown (Beechwood) 45789
Sinatra standards 33 1/3

Activity group: Use of recreational drugs
Amphetamines 24-7
Barbiturates 4
Opiates 0
Hallucinogens oooo0000000oooo

Activity group: Supplementary activities during sex
Slithering 26
Sliding 27
Spinning 18
Crawling on your belly like a reptile 32
Bouncing on the bed 17
Bouncing off the walls 51
Headstands 16
Pushups 48
Deep knee bends 54
Cartwheels/somersaults 58
Dodging bullwhip 40
Dodging bull 47
Dodging bullets 52
Sweating bullets 13
Chewing gum 3
Playing GameBoy 2
Playing Possum 0

Activity group: Vocalizations during sex
Chanting 3
Humming 2
Humming during oral sex 6
Moaning 4
Wheezing 7
Singing his/her praises 10
Talking dirty 5
Talking dirty
in Pig Latin ix-say
Barking like a seal 8
Caterwauling 10
Yodeling 5
Howling at moon 13

Activity group: Bringing partner fully to orgasm
based on size of genitalia
Man, Small 88
Man, Average 56
Man, Large 38
Man, Appalling 7
Women, Small 19
Woman, Average 36
Woman, Large 49
Woman, Appalling 107

Activity group: Orgasm type
Clitoral 52
Vaginal 57
Oral 48
Aural 17
Visual 20-20
Anal 43
Anal Retentive 8
Scrotal 2
Umbilical 4
Fiscal $20
Genuine 67
Feigned 134

Activity group: Post-coital activity
Sleep 7
REM sleep 9
Coma 2
Smoking 8
Dancing a jig 41
Doing Tarzan yells 20
Shouting from the rooftops
includes climbing 3 flights of stairs 83
Beating your chest 17
Carving notch in headboard 23
Carving notch in self 28
Silently tiptoeing out of room
the minute partner dozes off 26
Leaping out of window
at sound of approaching husband 30
Vomiting 28

Activity group: Added “emotional” calories
from sex that leaves you feeling …
Dirty 13
Relieved 9
Frustrated 14
Indignant 10
Delighted 6
Disgusted 11
Disturbed 9
Disoriented 20
Disrespected 13
Disfigured 19
Baffled 6
Humbled 8
Remorseful 5
Guilty 12
Triumphant 9
Shaken 6
Shaken, not stirred 007

Activity group: Premature ejaculation, for male
Achieving orgasm 9
Apologizing 7
Rationalizing 9
Sniveling 12
Cursing 16
Weeping 22
Dressing as rapidly as possible 30
Begging for forgiveness 20
Begging for secrecy 30
Begging for time to catch your breath 11
Begging for another chance 51
Begging for bus fare home 34
Activity group: Premature ejaculation, for female
Achieving orgasm 0
Grinding teeth 15
Repressing rage 14
Expressing rage 21
Expressing rage
with thrown object 27
Smacking partner
with pillow 22
Smacking partner
with shoe 14
Smacking partner
with folding chair 20
Packing up clothing
and leaving for good this time, damn it 45

Activity group: Sex on special holidays
New Year’s Eve 129
New Year’s Morning 12
Saint Patrick’s Day 21
Saint Valentine’s Day 130
Halloween
not in costume 37
Halloween
in costume 68
Halloween
dressed as ghost 800!
During July 4 fireworks display 1776

Activity group: Alternatives to intercourse - oral sex
Oral sex, male, giving 68
Oral sex, male, receiving 43
Oral sex, female, receiving 35
Oral sex, female, giving 19 calories gained
Oral sex, both, simultaneous 69
Oral sex before oral finals 119
Oral sex after oral finals 5
Oral Roberts University sex 0

Activity group: Alternatives to intercourse - masturbation
One hand 35
Both hands 60
Both hands, both feet 105
Wearing surgical gloves 124
Wearing boxing gloves 156
Circle jerk 3.141592…

Activity group: Avoiding sex altogether
In a 2-man prison cell 138
In a 40-man holding cell 854
In a 40-man holding cell
on Saturday night 2,161
In a strict Islamist terrorist cell 0

7-20-09
 

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild."

"Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.

"Your name came up seven times..."

So true
 

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want".


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

7-22-09
 

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence in English using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar..'

Mujibar now works at a tech support call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

7-23-09
 

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

*****

7/24
 

A woman is in labor screaming profanities @ her husband. He says "Hey don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but NOOOOOOOO THAT might hurt!" :D

7-24-09
 

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'Onpage 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jackbefore cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.


********

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.



********

Tech Support: 'I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a popup menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.



********

There'salways one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a longtime.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is atrue story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from arecording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say theHelp Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing theWord Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared. '

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a seaprompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were twocables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like itwas when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !

9-25-09
 

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette. "Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

7-26-09
 

Swine flu update


The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

The little piggy said "Fuck off or I'll sneeze on you..."





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7-27-09
 

lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

7-28-09
 

Getting a Hair Dryer thru Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

7-29-09
 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

7-31-09
 

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.

'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.

'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.

'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.'

8-1-09
 

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

8-2-09
 

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates"

The woman asked anxiously , "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

8-3-09
 

Vodka $29.99
Motel $64.99
Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless!!
Fuck Mastercard! It pays to Discover!!!:D

8-3-09
 

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.......

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......"Take me.... Young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...And that's when I shot the son of a b*tch!

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...8&d=1249352085

Love this pic.

Thanks

Fango

8-4-09
 

A Man's Prayer
Now I lay her down for sex
I pray her p*ssy is tight and wet
But if she's loose and dry inside
I pray her mouth can open wide:)

A 1st grade teacher asks little Johnny what sound a pig makes.
Little Johnny stands up and says "HANDS ON THE HOOD MOTHERFUCKER!!":D

8-4-09
 

A quick bit of geography.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran and North Korea...... Ruled by a
couple of nuts.

8-5-09
 

**Long Pause**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the

table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that

Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?

8-6-09
 

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!
I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill someone that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B....


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.



Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.



These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.




***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! Menopausal You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! Now that is what I think!!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Funny Stuff
 

Great jokes Reb....and the babes are fantastic too! Please keep it up..

More Computer Tech Support Calls

These "silly tech support calls" have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.
They are always fun to read.
**********
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....
**********
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
**********
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
**********
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.
**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
**********


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

**********
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

8-8-09
 

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station atMiramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour.. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet (Northrop Grumman aircraft) which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

8-9-09
 

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"



The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."



"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

8-10-09
 

This is an Incredible story!


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ....
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.


This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories .

8-11-09
 

Prior to her trip to Texas ,Buffy (A New Yorker),

Confided to her co-workers she had three goals

For her trip to the Lone Star State ;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bonafide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over

that Mesquite , it's ooooh sogood. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo.

Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,'Welltell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the

condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
(see the last pic)

It's just a Skoal can, I have the same circle on my back pocket. :eek:
https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...d=125004 6259

Well Duh !!!
 

Of couse it's a skoal can; only the dizzy blonde thinks it's a condom.

remember that this is a joke thread.

Osreb

Well fuck me in the heart... I thought YOU was Blond or I wouldn't have pointed it out to you.

back to posting on 8-12
 

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

8-13-09
 

Attorneys

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: You gotta be kidding. Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

8=14=09
 

Subject: The AMA on Obamacare

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8-15-09
 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall,
exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......

On one condition....'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'

8-17-09
 

Gun control:


Actual photo of a person being shot at close range. Read below to prepare you for the actual moment. Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea. Violence can be a brutal event. We tend to sit back in our living rooms, and view the barrage of information that comes across from our media. We can easily become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world within which we exist. Lives may be ended or altered forever during the heat of confrontation. When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face with 'cold' reality. WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT-AT-HEART!

SCROLL DOWN to see the 1st pic


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HORRIBLE, isn't it ??

8-17-09
 



Maxine on the bailout:

"BAIL 'EM OUT! ????

Hell, back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a house of ill repute and selling whiskey!"