So I opened the front door of my dark house and found it lit with candles

Down the steps came a vision right out of a wet dream. My wife in a flowing sheer night gown, a feather mask covering the top half of her face.

With a smile on her lips she said "What took you so long, I almost started without you"
She placed her white pumps up on the coffee table and pulled the sheer night gown back, running her hand up her stockinged leg.
"That would have been a shame, wouldn't you think?"

Smirking back I said "Oh yeah."
Which, when translated from buzz talking means
"My dear, you look absolutely radiant tonight and I am very horny, so may I please have the pleasure of you company for a night of pure animal lust and sexual gratification?"

Now standing on the coffee table she turned away from me, lifted the back of the gown and showed me the seams of her stockings, they ran up the back of her legs like arrows to heaven.
"Did I get my seams strait?"
"Oh Yeah!" I responded.
Translated from buzz talk means "Why your legs look like a vision from any mans adolescent dream. Please see my previous statement and keep in mind my intentions are not completely honorable"

Stepping down from the table, she knelt on the floor and crawled toward me on her hands and knees.
Licking her red lips, she asked me "What do you think of my lipstick?"

OH Yeah!" I answered
Buzz talk translation "Your lips are like two wet rose buds that promise the feelings of silk and sin with just one touch. One kiss would be enough to send a thousand men to fight a war for you."

"Would you like to join me upstairs for a while?" she asked.
"OH YEAH!" I answered.
Translation in any language "OH HELL YEAH!"

As I scooped her up in my arms, planting a warm kiss on her lips, this vision of beauty that was my present for the night, and began up the stairs, the home phone began ringing.
Pausing to hear the answering machine...nothing.

I then heard her phone ringing in the bedroom. By the time I got to the top of the stairs, my phone was ringing.
All thought of romance out the window.
Hello" I gruffly answered, not looking at the number.
"Dad, let me talk to Mom" came the voice of out daughter.
"Are you crying?" I asked.
"Just let me talk to Mom."