An elderly couple visit the doctor for an annual check-up. He asks them into his office one at a time, starting with the husband.

After examining him, the doctor says, "Mr Smith, you're in great shape. How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the GP.

"For weeks now, every time I've had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, the Lord has turned the light on for me."

"That's nice," says the confused doctor. "Please send your wife in now."

She enters the room and the GP says, "Your husband is extremely physically fit but I fear he is starting to have delusions." He then tells her about the toilet visits.

"Oh, I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says, looking relieved. "And it explains who's been peeing in the fridge."

Visiting the aquarium during feeding time, a hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, “You know, I could hypnotize that shark.”
“You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb,” the feeder said, laughing. “But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest.”
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
“I thought you could hypnotize him,” sneered the feeder.
“I did,” the hypnotist said, holding his arm. “Now he thinks he’s an alligator.”

“Chief,” says Jimmy to his boss, “we’re having major spring cleaning tomorrow and my wife needs me to help move stuff from the attic, the garage and the garden.”
“We’re short-handed, Jimmy,” the employer replies. “There’s no way I can give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Jimmy. “I knew I could count on you.”

The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor, "I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave." And after telling them this, he died.
At the funeral, each threw his envelope in the grave. Later, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor admitted, "I needed $20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope."
"Gentlemen, I'm shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man's final wish," said the lawyer. "I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount."

a horse comes in a bar and asks the bartender for some Coke.
the bartender asks: "you want a straw?"
horse: "HELL YEAH!!!"

Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he slurred.
“I’m the devil,” she answered.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said. “I married your sister.”

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

hello to all

I finally finished my major project

more to come on that