6-8-09
 

Bob and the Blond

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

6=9-09
 

You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18.. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

6-10-09
 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,
they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send
her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul.

6-11-09
 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging 2 plastic garbage bags, 1 in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags & once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back & see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop, "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady, "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come & pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go & stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper & each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

6-12-09
 

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."



******

6-13-09
 

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his torch around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Aye" the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The housebreaker relaxed. "Warn me, shit? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the housebreaker laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

6-14-09
 

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

6-15-09
 

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .............

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!

And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A.. Rose Marie : No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh

***** HANNAH PICS REMOVED *****

thanks
 

Ok, the pictures are great, outstanding stuff, but that last one with the hollywood squares quotes, genius! I remember seeing them and always laughing my ass off, it was just such ad-lib greatness. Think I will have to go google and see if they are on dvd...
Thanks!

6-16-09
 

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

6-18-09
 

The guy was lamenting to the bartender that he went to a brothel, paid his money and when the
girl came in the room, It was his wife!!!

"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "it's actually
really romantic."

"Oh, yeah?" responded the man. "Well, I thought she was home taking care
of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the
Madame wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another
girl."

6-19-09
 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's aftermidnight.
While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100 the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbytiptoe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season football tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

6-20-09
 

'My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a wh*r*house or a politician.
And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.'

Harry Truman, President USA

There is a difference in a wh*r*house you have a better chance finding an honest person.

6-21-09
 

One day in Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names,
about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation.
She gave examples like Baker, Which meant they where a baker for a living,
Miller meant that person Worked in a paper mill, and so on.

Then little Johnnie raised his hand
and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"

He said " Not really, more of a question."

"Well whats your question?" the teacher asked.

"Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?"

6-22-09
 

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes, ma'am,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.

6-23-09
 

Come back lines:

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

6-24-09
 

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!

*******

1. For your information, please. (FYI)

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

*******

2. Noted and returned.

Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

*******

3. Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

*******

4. Action please.

Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

*******

5. For your necessary action.

Meaning: It's your headache now.

*******

6. Copy to.

Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

*******

7. For your approval, please.

Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

*******

8. Action is being taken.

Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

*******

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.

Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

*******

10. Please discuss.

Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

*******

11. For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

*******

12. Please reply soon.

Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

*******

13. We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

*******

14. Regards.

Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

*******

6-25-09
 

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!


SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replied, 'Your eyesight's good.

6-26-09
 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

6-27-09
 

Phone answer machine messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling..... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back .

6-28-09
 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

6-29-09
 

"Last Nickel"
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of
the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter,
gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes
hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then very firmly. After a few seconds
the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to
the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar
without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

6-30-09
 

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic Slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."


So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY


That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,

And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!

7-1-09
 

one day at the office:

Blonde: (In a horse voice) "Good morning Sherry"

Brunette: " Gee, You sound terrible today"

Blonde: " I woke up with a sore thoat; but I have no sick days left"

Brunette: " I have a great cure; whenever I get a sore thoat I give my husband a blow job. I wake up the next morning feeling fine."

Blonde: "Are you sure."

Brunette: "Works every time for me"

Blonde: "OK, i 'll try it."

Next Day

Blonde: (In a normal voice and smiling) "I took your advice and it really Worked. I feel great today."

Brunette: "I told you."

Blonde: "Well, thanks again for the tip; your husband could not believe it was your idea."

7-2-09
 

Bathroom graffiti

Bathroom graffiti # 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.


Bathroom graffiti # 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper


Bathroom graffiti # 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted


Bathroom graffiti # 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!


Bathroom graffiti # 5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.


Bathroom graffiti # 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

7-3-09
 

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who
talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling
the young officer that she had to get there before
she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

Here's a couple
 

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowgirl coming toward him with nothing on but her cowboy hat, her gun and her boots. He arrests her for indecent exposure.

As he is locking her up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowgirl says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this gorgeous hunk of a man asks me to go out to his motor home with him... so I did.

We go inside and he pulls off his top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then he pulls off his pants and asks me to pull off my skirt.... so I did.

Then he pulls off his shorts and asks me to pull off my panties...so I did.

Then he gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowgirl."

"And here I am."



What do a OBGYN and a pizza delivery man have in common?

Both can smell it, they just can't eat it!! :D

7-4-09
 

Happy forth of July...

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'


You could have heard a pin drop..

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.


Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied ‘maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

7-5-09
 

For those of you who missed church today, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of semen.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in male semen - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service

What's the most embarrassing thing for a cheerleader?
When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!
**********************************************

Insert your rival school's name in the blank:
Q: What do you get when you put 32 ______ cherrleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a _____ cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push, real hard.

Q: Why does _____ have artificial turf?
A: To keep their cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: Why do they no londer serve ice at _____ home football games?
A: The cheerleader who knew the recipe graduated.
**************************************************

Cheerleaders Trapped in University of Texas Elevator: Let the Dirty Jokes Begin
Posted on August 6, 2008


It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, a porn movie, or just what to expect when the University of Texas hosts its summer cheer camp. According to the Telegraph, the students, all between the ages of 14 and 17, decided to all squeeze into the Jester Residential Hall elevator for a ride. When the elevator got to the first floor, the doors got stuck, stranding the cheerleaders for over half an hour. Don’t worry, they’re fine, although one girl fainted and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. Apparently they thought it would be wacky to ignore posted signs limiting elevator capacity to 15 people…or 3,000 pounds. Uh-oh, girls, that’ll teach you not to think skipping breakfast can get you down to 2,999.
************************************************** ************************************

And my favorite cheer:

Pork Chop, Pork Chop,

Greasy, Greasy,

We're gonna beat you,

Easy, Easy

7-7-09
 

Funny but true, Airline Quotes to Make you Laugh.

On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


*****

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something valuable."


*****

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


*****

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


*****

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


*****

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


*****

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.


*****

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.


*****

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


*****
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."


*****

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."


*****

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."


*****

"Last one off the plane must clean it."


*****

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


*****

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"


*****

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


*****

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"


*****

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


*****

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


*****

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


*****


and when planning your bext trip: Top 10 hot stewardess airlines


http://www.askmen.com/top_10/travel/...irlines_2.html

7=8=09
 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

And who said old guys aren't smart!

7-9-09
 

What I've Learned From Watching Porn

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women wear high heels to bed.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy fucks.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a brisk slap on the butt.

Nurses always suck patient's penises.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

Women never have headaches... or periods.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
her to "suck it".

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

7-10-09
 

The World's Shortest Books:


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

POLITICAL ETHICS
by Rod Blogojevich
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

MY LIST OF CONSERVATIVE VALUES
By Barack Obama
___________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________



MOTIVATION FOR LIVING
by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF SEXUAL MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
************************************************** *****

AND, JUST RECENTLY ADDED:


TOTAL MENTAL RECALL
By Nancy Pelosi

7-11-09
 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"



"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

7-12-09
 

Punishment air force style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.


As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,

Stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"



.................................................. ........................

7-13-09
 

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

7-14-09
 

Man in deep thoughts sitting calm, quite, at a bar

Bartender ask what is wrong?

Man says my seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.

Bartender says thats not possible

No he did said teh man

How? ask the Bartender


He polked holes in my condoms !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7-15-09
 

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse? "

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Bob, do we still have intercourse? " And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is...


Blue Cross/Blue Shield !"

7-16-09
 

Body Found


Today the Police found an unidentified man's body in a park in my town.
They describe him as having a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick.

P.S. I hope all my OCC friends are Okay??

__._,_.___

***** ONE CLICK VICKY PIC REMOVED *****