The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water ...
 

...for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Now these guys knew how to drink!

How drunk are you?
 

Official drinking test.

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are.
Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully.
Then, determine your score based on question answer values provided.
Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife.
In your mind, is she:
(a) the most beautiful woman alive;
(b) a beautiful woman;
(c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job.
In your mind, is it:
(a) the best job on the planet;
(b) a good job;
(c) a decent job;
(d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking.
What happened?
Did you:
(a) find it impossible to stand up;
(b) fall after standing up;
(c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face;
(d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar?
I got here in:
(a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo;
(b) a brand new car;
(c) a used car;
(d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 Japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength?
I am:
(a) invincible;
(b) stronger than anyone in the bar;
(c) as strong as the average man;
(d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values:

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results:

For scores ranging from fifty to 135,
Congratulations!
You're over and above the normal drunk.
Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option.
An e option does not even exist on this test.
You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers.
If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is,
If you can even remember your own name.
Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers.
Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate.
Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now.
You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket.
If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started!
I bet you don't even have one beer in you.
In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

This document was written by the employees at Glowport..


''Life's tough......
it's even tougher if you're stupid.''-
John Wayne.

enjoy

love the molson canadian

Valentine Day Boozers
 

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!”

“Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, “there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I'll have to ring you back.”

The next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I'll have to get back to you.”

Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Mary and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

Roflmao
 

Thanks Orseb for making my day! What a great way to add a little humor on Valentine's day! You're the best!

Mardi Gras boozers
 

A young boy wandered away from his grandfather at the mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"


The cop asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

Very cute girls!

Friday teh 13th boozers
 

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA?
1. Both words have the same letters.
2. Both are drinking zones.
3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing.
4. More importantly, both makes men crazy when

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

April Fools Day boozer babes
 

Irish Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into
the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a
table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and
orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again
orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town
is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering
why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We
promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever
we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and
soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners
would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother.. You know-the two beers and all"

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent

drunk
 

at party

Some more, starting with a larger one from the same women as in Osreb's 8th photo in the 3/25 post; some, like the second, don't show a container, but do seem to show the influence; and I assume Fantasy Fest ones have it as a given...

very niceeee

Easter Sunday boozers
 

Water in the Glass.

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full,

While a pessimist would say it is half empty.

What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER:

Would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT:

Would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION:

Would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST:

Would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER:

Would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST:

Would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST:

Would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colourless, odourless liquid, the other a colourless, odourless gas.

Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty.

Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER:

Would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

The ENGINEER:

The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Two nude girls on a table (above)
 

Thanx crispus! After several years, I found this pic again!

It once was in the "Nollningen and College Initiation" MSN-group with the title "Nakne studenter på bordene", which is norwegian for "nude students on the table". The pic is amazing, unfortunately I haven't seen anything else from this party.

PS. Don't miss the remarkable horns on the two guys in the sofa. DS.

New finds

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... and those who don't
 

As Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, .....Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Just four, but I liked 'em...

passed out
 

from flickr

Tokers

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
 

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in
front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Memorial Day boozers
 

This is worrying:

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women . To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer.

Two old Irish drunks, Seamus and Tim, on their way home from the pub, were stumbling up the country road in near darkness.

"Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"

"Glory be, Timothy, was it anybody we knew?"

"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"

Under the influence...
 

...though perhaps not (or not only?) of alcohol...

Some great photos....thx.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw shit...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW

socal girls
 

so cute

party babes
 

WE HAD OUR COMPANY PARTY LAST WEEK, BECKY SUE BROUGHT HER SISTER AND HER PORTABLE STAGE.
SHE IS A GREAT DANCER BUT SHE CAN'T DRINK WORTH A DAM.
--

A little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
" Don 't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark!

some body shots
 

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

It's July 4th - lets celebrate
 

Hot Damn! Whar’s the whiskey and wald wimmen???

My wife enjoying a glass of french wine

babes and booze
 

a dude walks into the bar and orders 13 shots.
bartender asks "hey bud, wutz the occasion?"
guy replies, "i just had my first blowjob."
bartender says "alright then, congrats - i'll buy ya a shot too then."
dude says "naw that's ok - if 13 shots don't get this taste outta my mouth then nothing will....

Bottle of Wine
 

Bottle of wine, fruit of the vine, when you gonna let me get sober. Let me alone. Let me go home. Let me go back and start over.

Well, I've rambled around this dirty old town singing for nickels and dimes.
Times getting' rough. I can't get enough to buy me a little bottle of wine.
(Chorus)

Well, little hotel, older than hell, cold as the dark in the mine.
Light so dim, I had to grin, I got me a little bottle of wine.
(Chorus)

Well, the preacher will preach and the teacher will teach. The miner will dig in the mine.
I ride the rods, trusting in God, huggin' my little bottle of wine.
(Chorus)

Well, pain in my head, bugs in my bed, pants so old that they shine.
Out on the street, I tell the people I meet to buy me a little bottle of wine.
(Chorus)

Bottle of wine, fruit of the vine, when you gonna let me get sober.


Kingston Trio Bottle Of Wine lyrics

Margaritaville lyrics

Nibblin' on sponge cake
Watchin' the sun bake
All of those tourists covered with oil
Strummin' my six-string
On my front porch swing
Smell those shrimp they're beginnin' to boil

Chorus: Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's nobody's fault

I don't know the reason I stayed here all season
Nothin' to show but this brand new tattoo
But it's a real beauty A Mexican cutie
How it got here I haven't a clue

Chorus: Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
Now I think Hell, it could be my fault

I blew out my flip-flop Stepped on a pop-top
Cut my heel had to cruise on back home
But there's booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's my own damn fault
Yes and some people claim that there's a woman to blame And I know it's my own damn fault

Because I got high
 

I was gonna clean my room until I got high
I gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high
my room is still messed up and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I was gonna go to class before I got high
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high
I am taking it next semester and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I was gonna go to work but then I got high
I just got a new promotion but I got high
now I'm selling dope and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay my child support but then I got high
they took my whole paycheck and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I wasnt gonna run from the cops but I was high
I was gonna pull right over and stop but I was high
Now I am a paraplegic - because I got high [repeat 3X]

I was gonna pay my car note until I got high
I was gonna gamble on the boat but then I got high
now the tow truck is pulling away and I know why
- because I got high [repeat 3X]

I was gonna make love to you but then I got high
I was gonna eat yo pussy too but then I got high
now I'm jacking off and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kids and wife because I got high
now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high
I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why

Whiskey River
 

Willie Nelson
Whiskey River (1979)

Whiskey River take my mind
Don't let her memory torture me
Whiskey River don't run dry
You're all I've got take care of me

Whiskey River take my mind
Don't let her memory torture me
Whiskey River don't run dry
You're all I've got take care of me

I'm drowning in a whiskey river
Bathing my memoried mind in the wetness of its soul
Feeling the amber current flowing from my mind
And warm an empty heart you left so cold

Whiskey River take my mind
Don't let her memory torture me
Whiskey River don't run dry
You're all I've got take care of me

I'm drowning in a whiskey river
Bathing my memoried mind in the wetness of its soul
Feeling the amber current flowing from my mind
And warm an empty heart you left so cold

Whiskey River take my mind
Don't let her memory torture me
Whiskey River don't run dry
You're all I've got take care of me

Whiskey River take my mind
Don't let her memory torture me
Whiskey River don't run dry
You're all I've got take care of me