let me start off with a few bad jokes

I had car crash the other day. The driver got out and happened to be a dwarf. He said to me, I'm not happy, And I said, Well which one are you

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight , he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'? The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?' The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.' Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?' The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.' Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?' The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.' The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

So I am sitting here enjoying my drink and milling over the events of the past few days

let me see, one good fight two trips to court, and three good intimate encounters.

the two court appearances were on the same guy, I'll call him Larry, that I met outside the strip joint. He just wasn't smart enough to leave things alone so he got arraigned again and at the bail hearing they refused him bail..oh well

Stinking of marijuana smoke and stale beer, he came looking for me, and found me eating lunch with my wife at a local spot.

I noticed him approaching with an open knife in his hand. He started to tell me how he was not going to prison..

when he got ten feet away, I told him to drop the knife or I will drop him three times. The waitress was on the phone quickly with the Sheriff's Department and my wife had cleared her .380 from her purse, but he was not smart enough to stop.

Two more steps forward, and leading with the knife, he snarled ( guess I was supposed to be scared) that is when I straight kicked him in the right knee. His feet gave out and he landed face first in front of me. That was one.