keeping thread going in May
 

LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION
>
> First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their
> first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
> The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all
> times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
> covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
> them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
> qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
> involving the animal body".
> For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
> finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his
> mouth.
> "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The
> students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took
> turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
> "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
> tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

5-2-09
 

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and Says to the secretary,
>
> I would like to join this damn church.
>
> The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir...
> I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
>
> Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join This damn church!
>
> I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
> Tolerated in this church.
>
> The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's
> Study to inform him of her situation.
>
> The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen
> To that foul language.
>
> They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old
> Geezer, Sir, what seems to be the problem here?
>
> There is no damn problem, the man says.
> I just won $200 Million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
> this
> damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.
>
> I see, said the pastor.
> And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?
>

5-3-09
 

A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started
playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was
so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"You're back in so early!
What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee!" she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is probably too wide."

5-4-09
 

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The story must contain the following three components:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
This is the A+ story:
>
"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

5-5-09
 

The Taxi Driver

A preacher on a trip to New York caught a a taxi and while sppeding through town he hada wreak and he and the taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.


'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I
spent my lefe serving God, went to church every Sunday, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons everyone slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!

Alternate punch line:

"the taxi driver scared the Hell out of a lot more people by driving than you did by preaching."

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...6&d=1241578366

I like that one.

Thanks

Fango

5-6-09
 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of g****s.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

5-7-09
 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. " You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

And furthermore. ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

*******

5-8-09
 

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate,
"I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Aaarrgghhh, we were in a battle and I got hit with a musket ball in tha knee and the doc amputed me leg and now
I have to wear this peg leg; but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" "Arrggghhh, We were in a Hurricane and I was washed overboard, and before they could get me back on da ship a shark bit me arm off and now I have this hook for me hand. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Aaarrrgghh, one day we were at sea and I was on watch inb the crow's nest when a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in me eye and now I be blind in that eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."
"Aaaarrrggghhh, It will if you try and get it out with this here hook."

https://forum.oneclickchicks.com/atta...8&d=1241843158

Great little ENF-y shot.

Thanks

Fango

5-9-09
 

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!


*******

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


*******

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.


*******

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


*******

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.


*******

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.


*******

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


*******

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


*******

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?


*******

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.

When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


*******

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


*******

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.


*******

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.


*******

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.


*******

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.


*******

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.


*******

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.

If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.


*******

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


*******

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...


*******

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


*******

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back.

If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.

If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

5-10-09 Mothers Day
 

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well endowed, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
>

great thread
 

Osreb, thanks very much. These jokes are hilarious, and the photos are great. I hope this thread continues until next April.

5-11-09
 

These are Girls profiles taken from a Indian matrimonial website.

Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a Profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single I don't have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home.
I am not a good education but I working all field in bangalore .. If u like me u welcome to my heart... When ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
Yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
(Truly yours)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want very simple boy. From Brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life.
I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than I.
Because I love myself a lot.
If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am simple girl.
I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow I am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.
I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.
THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is too like this he would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
Infact she doesn ?t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love my patner I marriage the patner ok I search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
( Confused ????? )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is farhanbegum and I am unmarried.
Pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iam kanandevi. I do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
(Plz ? For gods sake ask somebody ?s help in framing sentence )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello I am a good charactarised woman.
I want to run my life happily.I divorced my first husband. His character is not good'. I expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit s??????? Is there anything like that.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. I like social service.
(Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! She knows her heart color)

5-12-09
 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they...
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

5-13-09
 

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

5-14-09
 

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy
Condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on
sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "Good, I'll take a
box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw
that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity
Section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamn blue ones!!"

5-15-09
 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story)

5-16-09
 

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision

Johnnie says thats good, because he sure can't wear glasses

5-17-09
 

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. .'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has the intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She lives with her daughter and gandchildren; so we can't go to her house.

I live at the personal care home; and we can't go there.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

5-18-09
 

Dumb Male Blonde Joke
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking
and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth
of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have
a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but
says his wife is thicker." Just last week, she went out
and spent $17000 on a new car" he laments, "and she
doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that
these two women sound like they both walked through
the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber." I
have to laugh every time I think about it," he
chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece.
I watched her packing her bags and she must
have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her.
She doesn't even have a penis!"

5-19-09
 

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

5-20-09
 

SKIPPING CHURCH
================

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

5-21-09
 

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Doctor takes advantage

A man with a lifelong studdering problem has seen every speech pathologist, therapist, you name it, all to no avail.

He finally decides to simply see his regular doctor and see if he can help. "DDDD...oc..ttt..er...y...y.....ou have to..to..to.. help me...nnnnnuu...tttttttthhhhh..ing has worked for me"

The doctor tells him how this is not his area of expertise and that he should continue to seek professional speech therapy, but, he was perfectly happy to give him an exam. The Doctor has him undress and immediately sees the man has a penis the size of a horse. The Doctor says, "I think I know your problem, your penis and testicles are so huge they are actually pulling on your muscles and tendons all the way up to your vocal cords. A simple penis reduction operation will cure you completely."

The man says, "DDDD...oc..ttt..er...rrr...rrr..rrr. you....ssss..ure..?" The doctor quickly replies, "oh yes, I am completely sure, this will fix your studdering problem."

The surgery is a success and the man's speech is totally normal. On a follow up visit to the same doctor he's over joyed his speech is normal, "Doctor I can't thank you enough, I can finally talk like everyone else now, you have changed my life. The only problem I have now is well....I didn't realize you were going to give me such a small penis, all my girl friends are laughing at me now"

The Doctor replies, "FFFF...uuuccc...kkkk....yyyy..oooouuu....a dddeeael's... a deal"

5-21-09
 

Thanks for posting - gcannon;


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

5-23-09
 

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.


The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' Gyprock...'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn 't it?

5-24-09
 

HAVE MET HER, HAVEN'T YOU?
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

5-25-09
 

First Date

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

5-26-09
 

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
<><><><><>

5-27-09
 

Swine Flu Symptoms
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease. Be especially alert to #5.

1. Sore throat
2. Slight headache.
3. Moderate to high temperature.
4. Nausea or upset stomach.
5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.

5-28-09
 

HELL OF AN ANSWER

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,

Which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law

That gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:

& nbsp; 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose..

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct.... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

5-29-09
 

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

BEE STING
 

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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee
sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help
and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
"Then your stance is too wide."

6-1-09
 

Mother Superior called all the nuns togather,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay

6-2-09
 

IN PRISON You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
IN PRISON You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
In PRISON For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK For good behavior, you get more work
IN PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
In PRISON You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
In PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat
IN PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
In PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
@ WORK You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
In PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
In PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK They are called 'managers'

>>

6-3-09
 

Question

What Gets Longer When Pulled, Fits Between Boobs, Inserts Neatly in a Hole, AND Works Best When Jerked?




Scroll down.....










A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

6-4-09
 

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

6-5-09
 

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.


Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.


The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .


The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit

6-6-09
 

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten
dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free
house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as
you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" Jose replies.

Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."