I love you, funny face!

[Fox Mulder]

1. "Hey, it almost fits with the zippers open!"
2. "I only came TWICE! What a lousy lover!" ( You never want to over hear what the multple orgasm sisters really think of you)
3. If you notice your girlfriends are always laying on the floor like this whenever you wear a skirt, they just might be voyeuristic lesbians.
4. Well...you're relaxing day on the beach is about to take a dramatic turn for the worst. Here comes Leon the Loser.
5. "Officer...a bunch of dudes from another school tied me up and forced me to drink too much, then threw me in this pool in my underwear!" ( Pam's lies were getting less and less clever with each passing wild sorority party)
6. "No, no, guys...that's fine! That's enough cum for now!" ( Beth loved orgies but she had her limits with the white stuff)
7. "Why are there so many naked women with cows pictures on the Internet?" ( There are Mooo-vies too!)
8. And speaking of cattle, never piss off a bartender who has a day job at the bovine sperm bank.

[Fox Mulder]

1. If at first you don't succeed...try, try again.
2. Farming 2016: The old couple from the painting "American Gothic" has been replaced by nudist ass kickin' organic farmers.
3. " I only have nipples for you."
4. Death takes a bride. I hear he boned her later.
5. The best way to blow a guy with a really small dick.
6. Some people love their cars..others have affairs with them. Her husband is beginning to suspect. He smelled car wax on her nipples.
7. Someone is about to get a very rude awakening. It never pays to have an ass biter for a roommate.
8. I hear complaints that there's too much sex and violins in this thread. Tough. Shit.

[Fox Mulder]

1. Keeping abreast of the latest developments.
2. This pussy will do in a pinch.
3. Beauty is in her jeans.
4. Grabbing the bull by the horns. Later, all those horny guys will grab her.
5. "Damn! While I lay here I forgot I was supposed to get laid tonight!"
6. I know what I'd like to plant...
7. "Oh oh...my cover is blown...and so am I!" (Secret agent's lament)
8. "Are you gonna eat the hole thing?"
9. She might be giving head to a guy who looks like he's lost his.
10.Trying to get a leg up on the competition, she's wondering what the spread on the football game might be. She got hosed last week. You can look it up. Look up it. Spread the word. Don't skirt your responsibility.

[Fox Mulder]

1. Sometimes a housewife's BBC fanatasies DO cum true.
2. "One more thing...now that I have this big rubbery friend I don't need YOU for anything at all." (Women can be very cruel)
3. "I'm going to bury everything but this most useful part. "
4. Your odds of getting this girlfriend back are almost as long as those cocks.
5. Tired of her boss putting his tongue in her ear, Melissa bought one of those new aural chastity belts.
6. Drive Up Mutual Masturbation franchises are springing up all over the country.
7. At this point the pizza delivery guy just sighed and left them the large pepperoni...without payment.
8. Just before sex, Jenny pulled off a discreet feminine deodorant spray application. Just one spritz and she'll be fresh for hours.
9. In case you're curious...For obvious reasons May 3rd 2005 will always be considered one of Dave's greatest days ever.
10. She thought she'd seduce her man with this romantic set up. But unfortunately the poor bastard was horribly allergic to roses.

[Fox Mulder]

1. I heard the gym is having a Nude Nymphomaniac Yoga Night...
2. ...and these guys heard that men can attend on a first come first serve basis.
3. When I told her to kiss my ass I was shocked when she actually puckered up.
4. Imitating Fenway Park's Green Monster.
5."I'm the Alpha Female! All you bee-atches shall bow to me!" (For obvious reasons, Lynn's sorority sisters really hated her. )
6."You can have what's in the basket, or you can eat THIS!" ( Samantha was never one to mince words.)
7. All in all, Rock lover Chastity thought it was the most boring concert ever...but she tried to get her kicks in anyway.
8. Could alcohol be a contributing factor in this behavior? I wonder...
9. The drug store was out of Viagra...
10. Yes, when it comes to anal sex, Patty is one of the more enthusiastic women you'll ever find.

[Fox Mulder]

1. When Joe said: "I'm gonna TAP that hot little piece of ass" No one believed he meant it literally.
2. Yes, when you have a big dick and a big full wallet, you sometimes see this sort of enthusiasm.
3. "Pussy...it's what's for dinner."
4. A leaked photo from the new "Aquaman" movie. Apparently it won't be a family flick.
5. Your wife! Your best friend! Jose Canseco's gold chain!

[Fox Mulder]

1. You never want to have a dream that you go to work naked...then discover you aren't dreaming.
2. "Did you menstruate on my pillow?" ( If you're going to walk around naked in rich people's homes, tampons are highly recommended)
3. Accidentally mistook the tube of "Deep Heating Rub" for vaginal itch cream.
4. TOP THREE RULES OF NUDE BEACH ETIQUETTE: Don't leer. Don't take pictures. NO BONERS!
5. It wasn't just an unwanted facial...this woman is about to cut off your penis with a dull box cutter.
6. Women don't really think it's funny when you take the TP and insist they "come and get it." (It's just not the way you keep girlfriends)

[Fox Mulder]

1. Well...put me on the next elevator to Hell!
2. I hear the green one puts out. (Melts in your mouth...no need to use your hand)

[delta69]

Does that one qualify as an "M Pose"?

[Fox Mulder]

1. The knowing wink of a cock cannibal. Pity the fool who meets one.
2. About to duplicate John Belushi's "Animal House" zit gag...with a mouthful of cum. Not funny.
3. Yeah...she can twist off your beer cap...and crush your cock.
4. Yeah, she's kinda cute...but her breath can clear out a whole double decker bus in 38 seconds.
5. Picking up street urchins might seem fun, but after the sex, when you go to sleep, you'll be lucky if you have any possessions left.