I love you, funny face!

[Fox Mulder]

1. Roxanne attempts to use her Jedi powers to stop us from looking at her tits. The Force is NOT with her.
2. Now that Playboy is going nude free, (What's the fucking point?) Kim thought she'd give us a reminder of the good old days when Hugh still ran the show and we all wished we could get a little bunny tail.
3. When choosing lovers, Bobbi swears by "testical heft" as a sure way to pick out a winner.
4. Here's one sure way to get your lover off the goddam Internet and back to the moment.
5. "It looks like Santa got me the 'Assbuster 9000 with Turbo Thrust Action' I've been wanting!" ( Santa likes to see 'em gape)
6. "Hey, Big Guy! Your pubic hair doesn't match your head!" (Embarrassment courtesy of the limitations of "Just For Men" hair dye)
7. After being abducted by aliens, the Smith sisters gleefully show off their radiation burns.
8. On the other side of the bed, Keith is gloating over his sexual performance. But obviously Lexi is less than impressed.
9. Sometimes the daily grind just gets to Jane. It ain't easy being a congresswoman by day and a callgirl specializing in Bukkake gangbangs by night.
10. Grandma is thrilled. Her dream of a "White Christmas" in Galveston finally came true.

[wildfire54]

Everyday happenings that should happen more often.

1."Your right,Marsha. I think that is one of those drone's.."

2.Cindy was so paranoid about getting caught cheating.She made sure she was thoroughly cleaned before she went home.

3.He knew the old saying: 'A gift should never be questioned.But merely accepted.' But Jerry wasn't amused at what his wife's ex-Bf had sent her for Christmas.

4.On the other hand.Bill was more than happy with what Santa had brought him.

5.The more she thought about it. The more Julie didn't like how her doctor did her breast exams.

6.Frank was totally sure his wife was cheating on him.But he just couldn't find any evidence of it.

7.When there wasn't a salami available. Tina played hide the zucchini instead.

[Fox Mulder]

1. Is this picture shot in the Grand Canyon? Is this someplace in the Grand Staircase? It's definitely the Grand Tetons! (Know your French)
2. It's really hard for Bethany to keep in the mood to do a sexy photo shoot when this fucking guy keeps doing this and shouting: "Honk!"
3. Weeeell, it looks like your little woman ain't gonna have no supper on the table for you tonight, Billy Bob.
4. It looks like the "Pepsi Challenge" involves being rode hard and put away wet.
5. Dolly Mae is such a good cocksucker she can do it in her sleep.
6. When you have a big Saturday night planned with Balthar Conehead, it's a good idea to practice.
7. "Yes, Mr. Jeeves...I'll think you'll enjoy your employment here at Wellington Manor. There is one thing I should warn you about...my wife has mild dementia and she tends to walk around in the...oh, well... here she is now."
8. Helga is so frigid that even hot water can't thaw that pussy.
9. The boss reluctantly agreed to try "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day." After his own daughter's antics, he vowed to never try it again.
10. Move over James Bond and Jason Bourne...This summer Gertrude Gilf stars as Hollywood's newest killing machine: "Marathon Thunderpussy!"

[Fox Mulder]

1. These kids today...They're always on the Internet and never have their minds on what they're doing!
2. These kids today...They don't know how to relax. They can't even wait for a meal without needing to occupy themselves!
3. "I'll tell you this...when I was a girl the cum tasted A LOT better than it does nowadays!" ( These kids don't know what they're missing)
4. These kids today...My generation used to eat a good breakfast. Now all they have time for in the morning is a quick piece of ass.
5. "Hey...he likes it and I enjoy doing it. So, you damned kids just mind your own business!"
6. It's tough being a horny single mother...you try to take a little time to yourself and the kids are always busting in on you, needing attention.
7. In my day we used to go to drive- in theaters and fuck. Now it's just mutual masturbation on the curb.
8. "So I'm like 'fuck you' and she's all 'why?' And I go 'Dude, you got like humongous tits' and I grab one...and she goes 'That's so gay' and..." (I don't really know what she's saying either)
9.These kids today...my generation took "instant" Poloroid nudie pics. We kept them hidden in shoe boxes and no one ever saw them except for our significant others. Now everyone's an Internet porn star!
10. These kids today can kiss my ass!

[Fox Mulder]

1 "You were expecting a Christmas present? I got it right here...somewhere."
2. Becky really loved her car...and she finally came up with a way to have a meaningful relationship.
3. "Wouldn't it be funny if 50-60 years from now someone will find this picture and spread it around? So what? We'll be too old to care."
4. Give Yolanda a little Canada Dry ginger ale and all her inhibitions just melt away.
5. Rhonda got everything she asked for from Santa.
6. There's no getting around it...this is gonna hurt!
7. This is what I wish I had for Christmas...but my imagination will just have to do.

[Fox Mulder]

1. "Uh... I'm pretty sure these aren't mine. But they might be... And even if they are... what were they doing in the refrigerator? Is this my house? What day is it? Wait...Am I half naked!" ( Sherlock Holmes daughter had absolutely none of her old man's talent.)
2. Men with foreskins make Dililah deliriously delighted.
3. "Well Dears...I'm really glad you all enjoyed the gingerbread cookies. I'll look forward to blowing you boys again next year. Oh, and for the shy young man who came on my breast, I'll thank you to remember that I prefer to swallow." ( Aunt Martha just loves entertaining the local street gangs at Christmas.)
4. You THINK you're in for a comfortable titty fuck...but little do you know, she's a berserk, killer android who can exert 2,500 pounds of crushing force once she squeezes those babies together. This is why you should never pick up solo women on Christmas Eve in a cantina on Tantooine.

[Fox Mulder]

1. Carlos pays homage to his television hero: Wilson, Tim Taylor's neighbor on "Home Improvement."
2. DOG: "Very impressive, but you still can't lick your own ass, Loser!"
3. "Yuri does not care that this is your wife. Yuri wants her to keep sucking. So... she will suck." ( Yuri is not to be trifled with)
4."OK...I got it! Relax your muscles and I'll just pull it out." (Don't be fooled by the name. Cockroaches are not sex toys.)
5. Mariam considers herself a woman of color.
6. This getup is a little on the minimalist side for a visit to Jurassic Park. It will certainly distract once the screaming and running begins.
7. Sherry is ready for yet another long night in pursuit of a few orgasms. If she only had a cockroach...
8. Nancy does her best Marvel Comic hero pose for her fanboy lover.
9. "Christmas was beautiful. Now we have a week to enjoy friends and family as we say goodbye to 2016. Ah...2017: A new year. A clean slate..."
10. "...Oh yeah (gulp) and a new president."

[Fox Mulder]

1. Is anyone missing a disheveled, nutty lookin' blond who pees in random places? She showed up this morning and has been hanging around the thread all day. If she's your's, please come get her and take her home. I don't want to have to call social services.
2. "Golly! She's got a firm ass and EVERYTHING!" ( Nathan was more than pleased with his belated Christmas present from his Dad. He may never move out of Dad's basement now.)
3. "Hey...I thought you might need a little hydration because...well...I'm kind of ball drainer and we're gonna go at it aaaall night long!"
4. "THIS dude was hung like Johnny 'The Wad' Holmes before I sucked him right down to almost nuthin'!" (Apparently hydration IS important!)
5. "Good evening ma'am. This is Fox Mulder at OCC. I've got your pants... and I'm not going to return them until everyone in the forum has had a damned good wank looking at your hot little MILF pussy." (Oh, the things I do for you guys!)
6. How a promising relationship ended in 2007: "Oh shit! I'm such an idiot! THIS is why I have to write things down! I forgot to call "B" to see if she wanted to meet up for supper!" (He did not sup with "B" and she dumped him...but "C" made him cum twice)
7. "Pardon me, while you were asleep I took the liberty of fertilizing your ovaries." ( Why sleeping pills are bad.)
8. I know that despite the sign, some of you (and this might surprise your friends, family and coworkers) really DO want to drink the water.

[wildfire54]

Yes it's that time of year again.

1."It's funny.Ian. She still thinks I hired her because of her bar tending skills."

2.He didn't mind that his new barmaid was an exhibitionist.But she got so into it the customers were being neglected.

3.One of the things that held up the tour was the unusual speed bump in the middle of the dirt road.The bus was careful to go around it.

4."It would have been a great picture." Sam lamented."If those two tourist's hadn't obscured my view of the twin peaks."

[Fox Mulder]

1. Melanie always felt guilty afterwards, but she just couldn't help herself. She's a serial cunnilinguist and no woman will ever be safe from her tongue of terror.
2. "Since your conservative parents are making us sleep in two beds while we're in their house, let's fuck on two beds." (Denise defies prudes)
3. In some countries food is so scarce, nursing mother's just get by as best as they can.
4. Women will be trying something new in 2017. They will lay around in provocative poses in public trying to lure lovers. Who and how many lovers they seek will be emblazoned on their beverage cups. (I'll just bet she can handle five guys easily)