GF/Wife sexual past. How to deal with retroactive jealousy?

[ulsafiu]

I want to start by saying that I love asking my girlfriends about their sexual past. It really turns me on. I find exciting to imagine them doing dirty things with their former partners and I often masturbate thinking about it.

However, when you develop a romantic love for someone; retroactive jealousy is unavoidable.

Just to be clear; personally, it's not a big deal. I still love to listen to her stories and I notice how the relationship strengthens every time we do it. But, from time to time, weird thoughts come to my mind. They go away fast, but they do come and that's not very pleasant.

So, my question to all of you (whom I consider to be wiser than me in those regards) is... how do you deal with retroactive jealousy? What can someone (not precisely me but someone who might be really struggling) get over the fact that his GF/Wife had sexual experiences with other men?

I will start:

• A relationship must be based on trust and when the loved one trusts you with that information; the relationship strengthens significantly.

• As Sun Tzu said: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”. Basically, if you know how their former lovers pleased her; you can easily top that.

• She had all the right to enjoy her sex life before being with you; in the same way that you did it. She enjoyed and was enjoyed. And that's fine.


What is your piece of advice?

[nudony]

I figured it out the hard way myself.

When my fiancée and I started dating, she "jokingly" told me about her sexual history one night after drinking.

I found out that night, and on several other occasions, about her rather "busy" history. When she was in her early twenties she started experimenting with her then-fiancée. He brought a female friend into the relationship and she had her first threesome. The two of them also had sex in public and enjoyed a very exciting sex life. Eventually they broke up; and she got even more experimental in the aftermath. She started bringing home random guys from bars - to this day she won't tell me how many guys or how many penis have been in her. She went out with her best friend one night, met some guys at a bar who had coke, and ended up in a coke-fueled foursome .

I guess she figured it would turn me on; but it had the opposite effect. I guess my real problem was that our sex life was nowhere near as exciting as what she'd experienced; and so I felt cheated. I asked her questions; and the more answers I got the more I seethed. And then one day I had a "Chasing Amy" moment where I started drilling her about her past, asking her how many dicks exactly had been in her, calling her a few choice names; getting angrier while she started really freaking out. We fought and I was getting ready to dump her. But I decided not to go Ben Affleck; called some friends instead who calmed me down.
We're still together and now engaged.

My piece of advice, what worked for me, was perspective. She was younger. She was really hot (she still is but not like in her 20's!). She was lonely. She was just a different person. Understanding that my fiancée went through this stage in her 20's, and it's part of her past; it's done. Gaining this perspective is what allowed me to move past her sexual history and move on with our lives.

[SpyStrip]

Originally Posted by ulsafiu

I want to start by saying that I love asking my girlfriends about their sexual past. It really turns me on. I find exciting to imagine them doing dirty things with their former partners and I often masturbate thinking about it.

However, when you develop a romantic love for someone; retroactive jealousy is unavoidable.

Just to be clear; personally, it's not a big deal. I still love to listen to her stories and I notice how the relationship strengthens every time we do it. But, from time to time, weird thoughts come to my mind. They go away fast, but they do come and that's not very pleasant.

So, my question to all of you (whom I consider to be wiser than me in those regards) is... how do you deal with retroactive jealousy? What can someone (not precisely me but someone who might be really struggling) get over the fact that his GF/Wife had sexual experiences with other men?

I will start:

• A relationship must be based on trust and when the loved one trusts you with that information; the relationship strengthens significantly.

• As Sun Tzu said: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”. Basically, if you know how their former lovers pleased her; you can easily top that.

• She had all the right to enjoy her sex life before being with you; in the same way that you did it. She enjoyed and was enjoyed. And that's fine.


What is your piece of advice?

IMO, you got it right the first time.
Simply enjoy getting turned on that another man has kissed, touched and licked your girl where you kiss and lick her. Another man was inside of her and knows what it's like to make her cum and get her vagina soaking wet.

I hang around this guy who's not a friend of mine but just someone I see now and then. When we was out of town for a week, his gf and I fucked like rabbits. Now I get to say to myself, "I know what your girl's pussy tastes like, and my penis has memorized the feeling of her vaginal walls."

It works in reverse also, because I get hard meeting one of her exes, and say to myself, "He's fucking banged my girl." I get totally hard.

[pa_boy]

Shoot, I'm jealous of myself and wife before we got married. We had so much more sex then. I swear a ring and dress turn women into ice.

[ulsafiu]

Originally Posted by 14sailor

Ignore it, accept the fact that you can't stop anything she wants to do anyway. It Is an insecurity issue, has she given you any reason to doubt her commitment? If not then silently thank them for doing their part to make your sex life better and enjoy it.

Exactly!

So, let's add two more bullets according to what you said:

• She became the person you love and makes you happy because her past made her be that way. It's part of our life.
• Her commitment started when she decided to be with you. If she has been loyal, faithful and honest during "your time"; it's all that matters.

[ulsafiu]

Originally Posted by nudony

I figured it out the hard way myself.

When my fiancée and I started dating, she "jokingly" told me about her sexual history one night after drinking.

I found out that night, and on several other occasions, about her rather "busy" history. When she was in her early twenties she started experimenting with her then-fiancée. He brought a female friend into the relationship and she had her first threesome. The two of them also had sex in public and enjoyed a very exciting sex life. Eventually they broke up; and she got even more experimental in the aftermath. She started bringing home random guys from bars - to this day she won't tell me how many guys or how many penis have been in her. She went out with her best friend one night, met some guys at a bar who had coke, and ended up in a coke-fueled foursome .

I guess she figured it would turn me on; but it had the opposite effect. I guess my real problem was that our sex life was nowhere near as exciting as what she'd experienced; and so I felt cheated. I asked her questions; and the more answers I got the more I seethed. And then one day I had a "Chasing Amy" moment where I started drilling her about her past, asking her how many dicks exactly had been in her, calling her a few choice names; getting angrier while she started really freaking out. We fought and I was getting ready to dump her. But I decided not to go Ben Affleck; called some friends instead who calmed me down.
We're still together and now engaged.

My piece of advice, what worked for me, was perspective. She was younger. She was really hot (she still is but not like in her 20's!). She was lonely. She was just a different person. Understanding that my fiancée went through this stage in her 20's, and it's part of her past; it's done. Gaining this perspective is what allowed me to move past her sexual history and move on with our lives.

Wow, I can't even imagine how hard it should have been for you to deal with that. But it speaks highly of you that you could overcome that feeling and move on.

For what I understood, your advice; summarized, is:

• People's lives are different; and we take decisions and do things according to those conditions. We shouldn't judge but rather understand that life takes us all to do certain things. We all make mistakes, we all do crazy things. We have to change our perspective to move on.

[ulsafiu]

Originally Posted by pa_boy

Shoot, I'm jealous of myself and wife before we got married. We had so much more sex then. I swear a ring and dress turn women into ice.

That's quite sad.

I haven't been married; so I don't know what to say; but there are a lot of guys on this forum who will surely have some solid advices on what to do.

[ulsafiu]

Originally Posted by SpyStrip

IMO, you got it right the first time.
Simply enjoy getting turned on that another man has kissed, touched and licked your girl where you kiss and lick her. Another man was inside of her and knows what it's like to make her cum and get her vagina soaking wet.

I hang around this guy who's not a friend of mine but just someone I see now and then. When we was out of town for a week, his gf and I fucked like rabbits. Now I get to say to myself, "I know what your girl's pussy tastes like, and my penis has memorized the feeling of her vaginal walls."

It works in reverse also, because I get hard meeting one of her exes, and say to myself, "He's fucking banged my girl." I get totally hard.

Yeah!

Sometimes when I'm inside of her; I imagine that it's one of her exes who is enjoying her wet vagina. It helps me a lot when we are on our 3rd. round and I'm not aroused enough; because it makes me super hard and I come really fast.

Oh, and as you said; it's an feeling amazing feeling when you are hanging with a couple and you know how it feels the girl's vagina and you can't stop picturing her naked. And the BF is clueless!!!

[SpyStrip]

Originally Posted by ulsafiu

it's an feeling amazing feeling when you are hanging with a couple and you know how it feels the girl's vagina and you can't stop picturing her naked. And the BF is clueless!!!

Fuck yeah!!

One of my OCC fantasies here, with all of the fetish porn we see here, would be in real life for my wife to get in a catfight with her ex's current girlfriend (these are real people I've met), and have my wife stripped of her dress, bra and panties, and be totally nude in front of the three of us. Of course, my wife's ex has seen her nude and the idea of the two of us staring at her, forced-naked and humiliated, is totally hot. LOL.

[shnowballs]

Thankfully, unlike pa_boy, my lady's sex drive has not diminished since marriage. In fact, we've done way more hot stuff together than she ever did before we got together.

That said, there are a few things she's done with other guys before me that, because of time and circumstance, we haven't done.

The list used to be longer than it is now and that's how I don't avoid having jealous thoughts - I simply have a mental to-do list of the things she's done previously that we haven't yet done.

Obviously, I hope to get them all ticked off eventually. ;-)